Gunner hadn't moved from his seat in Hope's office, although his anger had subsided just a little by the time she came. He was still angry, but feeling less like he wanted to hit somebody.
Unwilling to look at her, his dark eyes stared at the floor, and he remained slouched in the chair. "Oh, people wanna help me alright," he retorted. "They all wanna help fix me. Change me. Just because they don't understand. It's the fact that nobody wants to help me find the truth - the only kind of help I want, and I get punished for it."
He scuffed his boot on the floor, making little ridges in the carpet. If anyone were to observe, they might see a little boy acting as though he'd just been grounded for misbehaving.
"Reese didn't have his childhood ripped out from under him," he continued angrily. "He doesn't have nightmares, seeing his parents die night after night after night. He isn't tormented enough to want to go put a bullet in his brain every morning. Yet he thinks he knows what's best for me! He thinks taking away my privileges, like I'm his teenage boy, is what will work. Just 'cause I went a little too far last time, he thinks he's got it made by taking away my badge. That doesn't do anything but take away his responsibility. If I'm not on duty, then I can't go do anything stupid in the name of the Elite and have him be liable for it. All he's doing is taking care of his own rear end!"
Yet even as he finally looked up at Hope to give her a fiery glare, somewhere, deep down - way deep down - there was relief. Relief that he didn't have to worry about his job right now. Relief that he could now take time to focus on himself rather than the Elite. Relief that someone was forcing him to take care of his issues.
"I know I got problems," he grumbled. "I know I'm just a little off kilter. I always have been, ever since I got a metal plate fused to my skull. And so? I get a bit obsessed. I can't help it. I try to forget about it, and it comes back again and again. So sue me for being too tired to fight it anymore! Ridicule me for giving in and digging for the truth again."
His eyes blazed as he stared at Hope. "It's not my fault all of this came back again. It's not my fault that almost every night I wake up and think I'm in the hospital again after the accident. Reese thinks he knows my problems? If he had the same nightmares with the same degree of violence every night, he'd want to go walk off a bridge too."
Tears burned just under the surface, proving that more than just anger existed in Gunner right now. "I've been living on caffeine and adrenaline because I can't get a decent night's sleep." His voice cracked as he tried to hold himself together. "Yet I'm punished for not focusing on my job. I'm hounded for answers when I don't even have any. My fiance keeps asking me what's wrong and I don't even know how to respond. Nothing is wrong, other than the fact that I'm losing my sanity, and all anybody cares about is whether or not I'm getting to work on time!"
By now, he'd straightened in his seat and his leg was bouncing again. His body was tight and ready to bolt for the door. "I chased ghosts for years, I blamed myself, tried to kill
myself, then I finally thought I'd let it go. Now it's back just as
strongly as it was before. The nightmares, the obsession... all of it.
All I want to do is solve that stupid case...or just forget the whole
thing and finally see my parents again." It was the final statement that finally brought Gunner's eyes back to the floor as he paused. "I just wanna go home and sleep," he ended. "I'm too tired to deal with all this garbage."
Carson forced a little half smile at Thirteen. "Naw...I guess I'm not really okay. Not much anybody can do about it though."
His
last visit with Mackenzie had been tough. Not because of her, or even
Alec, but because there had been many comments about Misty and Jason. It
wasn't Mackenzie's fault - she was just excited about having been with
them and liked telling Carson about what she'd been doing. Carson
enjoyed seeing his daughter happy, but there was a part of him that
didn't want to hear any more. He missed Misty desperately, and hearing
about her and Jason didn't help. He'd been so determined, and now...he
wondered if it really was a losing battle. He wondered if he really
should finally surrender to the inevitable fact that he'd never get his
wife back again.
Still looking up at Thirteen, he tried
to shrug it off. "Let's just say I'm glad you and Aerith have stuck
around - not many people have, and...I appreciate it." He did, too. Phil
had come around a few times, but he still hadn't seen Axel at all, and
nobody from the Elite would give him the time of day, not to mention
Reese hadn't used him at all on any cases lately. He didn't blame
anybody, but it felt as though his life was getting more and more
cramped every day. All he had was the restaurant. That was it. And
sometimes...every once in a while...he wondered where he'd be if he'd
never been touched by Jamie or caught by the Elite in the first place.
Standing
up, he gave Thirteen's shoulder a pat. "Don't forget to take the
leftovers in the fridge when you leave this afternoon."
Starting the meal with Grace, Jared smiled. "You're welcome." To him, the effort was totally worth it. Grace was worth it. If not for her, well...he wasn't sure what kind of shape he'd be in right now. She deserved a whole lot more than he could give, that was for sure.
Having dinner with her was nice. And even though it was really a date, the atmosphere wasn't awkward in the least, which made it even more enjoyable. It was only as they were finishing up dessert that Jared sat back and just watched Grace for a few minutes. He didn't rightly know what to do now. Innocent dates weren't exactly something he was experienced with. To have had dinner without plans to keep a girl all night was not his normal pattern.
No comments:
Post a Comment