Sitting at the little desk in her house Hope holds the letter from Scott in her hand. He eyes scanning the page. She'd been so happy to receive the letter. To finally hear from Scott had had warmed her heart. She missed him so much with every day that had passed, being alive and on the mend she couldn't wait to be able to see him.
But as her eyes continued to scan the paper soon Hope's heart became heavy as it pounded in her chest. She understood what he was saying but at the same time she didn't understand. He wanted her to be free? To be full of joy? How could that even be possible. The love of her life was just breaking up with her. Oh how her heart flooded with pain.
Standing Hope slowly walks over to the window and stands by it. The letter still in her hand. Scott was no long her boyfriend, and her heart was breaking. It hurt more than anything else right now. To lose someone so close to her. Pressing her hand against the glass she remembered her sessions with Scott. She remembered there laughs and there love, but now...it was gone. Now there was a hole. All the stuff she could tell other people about moving on, and in time it would be ok, but now coming to her own self, it just didn't seem like it would help much.
Following behind Susanne as she makes her way back to his bike Chuck can't help but smile. Her own words just seemed to float on the air so pleasing to his ears. Walking a little faster to catch up with her Chuck takes his hand in his own for a moment and brings it to his lips as he hears her mention of the movie tomorrow.
"Susanne, would you like to join me at the movies tomorrow?"
Chuck new she would say yes since she did just mention it but he wanted to ask anyways. It only seemed right rather than just assuming. Not to mention he liked asking and hearing Susanne say yes!
Still looking down at her own bottle as her brother talks Ryan can't help but let out a long sigh. Maybe Alec hadn't changed? She refused to let her own mind believe that but what her brother said did make sense and it seemed from what Ty said it was that way too. Even if he had run away, if he was with another woman not only was he cheating on her than that meant he really didn't care after all. It was just all confusing to her no one had ever been able to pull one over on her like this before.
"Yeah, I just...I guess I just wish I could find out for myself what was going on. You know I've always been hardheaded unless I can see it with my own eyes."
Letting out another sigh Ryan leans back in her chair for a moment. Hearing Eli talk about his job offer and how he wasn't going to take it Ryan's head snaps up as she looks across the table at her brother. He was going to stay? He had the offer of money but he was going to stay anyways?
"You...but...Eli, I am happy you choose to stay. On top of everything else I don't think I could handle my brother leaving me too. It would be way to quiet around here without you and I'd miss you something terrible. I love having you here. So thank you."
Ryan new Eli was making her feel better and even if she did a little still the whole thing with Alec was heavy on her mind. It was one big mess, but soon Ty would have the information for her and she could get to the bottom of it herself. Than maybe...she could move on.
"Want to see about finding a funny movie to watch?"
1/27/11
Letter Goodbye
Justin laughs and shakes his head. "I don't think I could get tired of your pie." He pats his stomach. "However, I might have to start working out more if you keep feeding me. I just can't say no."
"I don't know." Eli sighs and gives Ryan's shoulders one last loving squeeze before moving around the table to take a sip of his beer. "Some people just... refuse to actually change." He shrugs. "You know Alec wasn't my favorite person in the world, but lately even I had to admit that he was doing pretty well... he seemed... I don't know... more mellow. I guess I'm just as confused about this as you are."
Taking another swig of beer, he swishes it around in his mouth before slowly letting it slide down his throat. "I guess the only thing to do is move on, ya know? If he's getting himself in as much trouble as I think he is, even if he does come back, it'll only be to put him behind bars." Reese and Carson hadn't said so, but Eli assumed by now that if Alec was running with the Agency, he wasn't being an angel.
Easing down in a chair opposite Ryan, Eli is silent for a few minutes, reading the back label of his beer bottle for no real reason. Finally though, he looks back up at his sister. "I... never told you that I had a real good job offer back in Florida." He gives her a crooked grin. "Woulda been for about a year or so... maybe longer. I, um... didn't think I could pass up the money... woulda been able to pay off some of my debt and pay you something too."
He spins his bottle between his hands, trying to collect his thoughts. "In the end though, I decided to stay here. I... know you don't need me and I imagine having your apartment back to yourself is probably appealing. But I guess I'm the one that didn't want to leave." He gives her a little nod. "I guess it was me that decided I had too much here to leave. I got a girl and I got a sister that's absolutely amazing." He shrugs. "No matter what happens here with Alec... you're still amazing. I guess I just wanted you to know that."
"Mmm." Susanne sighs and looks up at Chuck. "The sun and the moon say it has to end. I guess that means we're really not in a fairytale, doesn't it?"
She smiles. "But when one day ends, it only means another is about to begin."
Giving his hand a little squeeze, she finally lets go and starts slowly towards his motorcycle. "You know... tomorrow night, one of my favorite movies is playing at the dollar theater..."
Scott paces his room like a caged animal. It wasn't like him to be this unsettled before bed. But the nagging feeling in his gut hadn't ceased. The face he continued to see in his mind would not fade. The voice he heard would not leave.
Giving an audible growl, he sits down on the edge of his bed and puts his hands in his lap. He hadn't been able to concentrate on anything all day. Not even his session with Justin - though it had gone much better than he'd anticipated. But it wasn't thoughts of the Agency that were haunting him. It wasn't even something bad. But bad or not, it was frustrating.
All day he'd deliberated. All day he'd jumped from one perspective to another. And still, he was unable to take a side. But he had to. He had to make up his mind. It wasn't only his heart at stake here and he had a responsibility. A responsibility to the one who was holding on to love.
Retrieving a pad of notepaper from his dresser, along with a pen, he eases down beneath the window to write by the light of his bedside lamp.
Dear Hope,
I'm sorry you have not heard from me sooner. It was such a shock and relief to know that you were on the road to recovery, that I'll admit it took me a while to realize my grief need not be anymore. I had imagined you gone. I had imagined life without you. I had been encouraged to remember all of the things worth living for and not just one. Even so, I never forgot you.
It's with a heavy heart I write these words tonight. And I can only pray that God will guide my words to your own heart. I looked in the mirror today and I realized that I am not the same man I once was. I realized that though I believed I had recovered at one time, now I see how the Agency stole a part of me that I will never gain back. What you did for me before - it was not in vain, nor was it untrue. It was simply a stepping stone on this path I walk. Had the assimilation data remained dormant, I believe my recovery, with your help, would have been complete.
But today, as I stare at the walls of this room... this room that has become my four-sided world, I see that the only life I have right now is a life in which I can only focus on conquering that which is inside of me - not only the Agency data, but the remnants of hate and anger I have yet to destroy.
The energy and willpower it requires to triumph over my daily sessions with Agency data is exhausting. I can focus on nothing else, lest I be too spent and fail - either refusing to try or being conquered myself and dragged into a dark hole that I never wish to enter again.
I feel my words sound prideful - that it sounds as if I care only about myself and no one else. Oh, how far from the truth that is. My reason for writing tonight is not for myself, but for you.
My distance from you, both physically and emotionally, has taught me a lot about hope and perseverance - though I would never wish to go through it again. Today though, as I begin to see more clearly my path, I have begun to understand the necessity of remaining apart. It pains me to write these words, but please know that it is not you or your actions that have brought me to this conclusion - no, it is I and my circumstances.
Each day, each step I take is a stressful exhaustion. Each night I have nothing more to give but the energy to fall into bed and sleep a restless sleep. Each morning I have nothing to give but my attention to recovery. Each moment, there is nothing more but the strain of conflict - the battle within myself between victory and total loss.
Unfortunately, you have already been caught in the crossfire of my unstable condition for far too long. It is my fault for keeping you there - keeping you wondering and waiting - and I am sorry. I am so very sorry for forcing you to hang on to but a shadow of the man I used to be.
That is why tonight I
Scott's pen hovers over the paper as tears fill his eyes. He blinks and swipes his eyes, wincing as he rubs his blind eye too harshly. This wasn't fair. This was so very unfair. But he had to do it. It was the right thing to do. Swallowing hard, he continues to write.
That is why today I release you. I don't want you to be caught in a world full of dark clouds like mine. I don't want you to be forced to cling to that which only brings nightmares. I don't want you to suffer as you endure me - a man incapable of showing love, for the interference of war.
I am not ready yet to face the world. I am not yet ready to face the ones I love. Until I am, I need this time. I need the solitude in order to learn and recover. Had I realized these things before, perhaps you would not have suffered for so long. I blame myself - for the pain you've endured with me.
So when you read this letter, please do not think you have done anything wrong. No, on the contrary, you have done everything right. You have done more than you ever should have. But it is time to move on. It is time to allow growth and allow healing. But for that, for me, separation is the doorway. My recovery demands my full attention, and you deserve so much more than that.
My fondest memories of you remain my strongest. And when I am well, I will look forward to seeing you again. Always know that though there was sadness and pain, you did what was right. You have played a bigger part in this journey than you may even realize - a part that deserves more gratefulness than even I could supply.
You will always remain in my heart. But life demands sacrifice. I pray that you live life to the fullest and that you will be blessed with a second chance at
Scott stops again as more tears roll down his sunken cheeks.
a second chance at love. For you deserve the best.
Goodbye for now, my precious Hope. May your heart be filled with joy, not sadness. And when we meet again, may we both embrace the paths that are laid before us.
Scott
And when the letter is folded and sealed, a teardrop stains the return address. And when it is mailed the next day, another tear follows. And the following day when Scott knew Hope would be receiving his words, he stands at his window and places his palm on the glass, soaking up the warmth of the sun through the cool glass.
"I don't know." Eli sighs and gives Ryan's shoulders one last loving squeeze before moving around the table to take a sip of his beer. "Some people just... refuse to actually change." He shrugs. "You know Alec wasn't my favorite person in the world, but lately even I had to admit that he was doing pretty well... he seemed... I don't know... more mellow. I guess I'm just as confused about this as you are."
Taking another swig of beer, he swishes it around in his mouth before slowly letting it slide down his throat. "I guess the only thing to do is move on, ya know? If he's getting himself in as much trouble as I think he is, even if he does come back, it'll only be to put him behind bars." Reese and Carson hadn't said so, but Eli assumed by now that if Alec was running with the Agency, he wasn't being an angel.
Easing down in a chair opposite Ryan, Eli is silent for a few minutes, reading the back label of his beer bottle for no real reason. Finally though, he looks back up at his sister. "I... never told you that I had a real good job offer back in Florida." He gives her a crooked grin. "Woulda been for about a year or so... maybe longer. I, um... didn't think I could pass up the money... woulda been able to pay off some of my debt and pay you something too."
He spins his bottle between his hands, trying to collect his thoughts. "In the end though, I decided to stay here. I... know you don't need me and I imagine having your apartment back to yourself is probably appealing. But I guess I'm the one that didn't want to leave." He gives her a little nod. "I guess it was me that decided I had too much here to leave. I got a girl and I got a sister that's absolutely amazing." He shrugs. "No matter what happens here with Alec... you're still amazing. I guess I just wanted you to know that."
"Mmm." Susanne sighs and looks up at Chuck. "The sun and the moon say it has to end. I guess that means we're really not in a fairytale, doesn't it?"
She smiles. "But when one day ends, it only means another is about to begin."
Giving his hand a little squeeze, she finally lets go and starts slowly towards his motorcycle. "You know... tomorrow night, one of my favorite movies is playing at the dollar theater..."
Scott paces his room like a caged animal. It wasn't like him to be this unsettled before bed. But the nagging feeling in his gut hadn't ceased. The face he continued to see in his mind would not fade. The voice he heard would not leave.
Giving an audible growl, he sits down on the edge of his bed and puts his hands in his lap. He hadn't been able to concentrate on anything all day. Not even his session with Justin - though it had gone much better than he'd anticipated. But it wasn't thoughts of the Agency that were haunting him. It wasn't even something bad. But bad or not, it was frustrating.
All day he'd deliberated. All day he'd jumped from one perspective to another. And still, he was unable to take a side. But he had to. He had to make up his mind. It wasn't only his heart at stake here and he had a responsibility. A responsibility to the one who was holding on to love.
Retrieving a pad of notepaper from his dresser, along with a pen, he eases down beneath the window to write by the light of his bedside lamp.
Dear Hope,
I'm sorry you have not heard from me sooner. It was such a shock and relief to know that you were on the road to recovery, that I'll admit it took me a while to realize my grief need not be anymore. I had imagined you gone. I had imagined life without you. I had been encouraged to remember all of the things worth living for and not just one. Even so, I never forgot you.
It's with a heavy heart I write these words tonight. And I can only pray that God will guide my words to your own heart. I looked in the mirror today and I realized that I am not the same man I once was. I realized that though I believed I had recovered at one time, now I see how the Agency stole a part of me that I will never gain back. What you did for me before - it was not in vain, nor was it untrue. It was simply a stepping stone on this path I walk. Had the assimilation data remained dormant, I believe my recovery, with your help, would have been complete.
But today, as I stare at the walls of this room... this room that has become my four-sided world, I see that the only life I have right now is a life in which I can only focus on conquering that which is inside of me - not only the Agency data, but the remnants of hate and anger I have yet to destroy.
The energy and willpower it requires to triumph over my daily sessions with Agency data is exhausting. I can focus on nothing else, lest I be too spent and fail - either refusing to try or being conquered myself and dragged into a dark hole that I never wish to enter again.
I feel my words sound prideful - that it sounds as if I care only about myself and no one else. Oh, how far from the truth that is. My reason for writing tonight is not for myself, but for you.
My distance from you, both physically and emotionally, has taught me a lot about hope and perseverance - though I would never wish to go through it again. Today though, as I begin to see more clearly my path, I have begun to understand the necessity of remaining apart. It pains me to write these words, but please know that it is not you or your actions that have brought me to this conclusion - no, it is I and my circumstances.
Each day, each step I take is a stressful exhaustion. Each night I have nothing more to give but the energy to fall into bed and sleep a restless sleep. Each morning I have nothing to give but my attention to recovery. Each moment, there is nothing more but the strain of conflict - the battle within myself between victory and total loss.
Unfortunately, you have already been caught in the crossfire of my unstable condition for far too long. It is my fault for keeping you there - keeping you wondering and waiting - and I am sorry. I am so very sorry for forcing you to hang on to but a shadow of the man I used to be.
That is why tonight I
Scott's pen hovers over the paper as tears fill his eyes. He blinks and swipes his eyes, wincing as he rubs his blind eye too harshly. This wasn't fair. This was so very unfair. But he had to do it. It was the right thing to do. Swallowing hard, he continues to write.
That is why today I release you. I don't want you to be caught in a world full of dark clouds like mine. I don't want you to be forced to cling to that which only brings nightmares. I don't want you to suffer as you endure me - a man incapable of showing love, for the interference of war.
I am not ready yet to face the world. I am not yet ready to face the ones I love. Until I am, I need this time. I need the solitude in order to learn and recover. Had I realized these things before, perhaps you would not have suffered for so long. I blame myself - for the pain you've endured with me.
So when you read this letter, please do not think you have done anything wrong. No, on the contrary, you have done everything right. You have done more than you ever should have. But it is time to move on. It is time to allow growth and allow healing. But for that, for me, separation is the doorway. My recovery demands my full attention, and you deserve so much more than that.
My fondest memories of you remain my strongest. And when I am well, I will look forward to seeing you again. Always know that though there was sadness and pain, you did what was right. You have played a bigger part in this journey than you may even realize - a part that deserves more gratefulness than even I could supply.
You will always remain in my heart. But life demands sacrifice. I pray that you live life to the fullest and that you will be blessed with a second chance at
Scott stops again as more tears roll down his sunken cheeks.
a second chance at love. For you deserve the best.
Goodbye for now, my precious Hope. May your heart be filled with joy, not sadness. And when we meet again, may we both embrace the paths that are laid before us.
Scott
And when the letter is folded and sealed, a teardrop stains the return address. And when it is mailed the next day, another tear follows. And the following day when Scott knew Hope would be receiving his words, he stands at his window and places his palm on the glass, soaking up the warmth of the sun through the cool glass.
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