Blackened Soul

Carson might have resisted anyone else’s touch, but Katie was one of the few people he could trust. Instead of pulling away, he leaned into her just a little, his tense muscles automatically relaxing in her embrace. Other than Mackenzie, getting a hug was something he had not received in a very long time.

Katie’s words made sense, even in his troubled heart, and he nodded again as he straightened up. “Thank you…” He finally glanced her way, catching her eye. “That means a lot to me…it really does.” He took a deep breath and cleared his throat. “I wish everybody was as understanding as you. But…I guess that might not be possible, even under normal circumstances.” She’d always been understanding. Even if she hadn’t always agreed, she was one person he’d always been able to count on. And he appreciated it more than he could express.

“You better go help clean up Jason.” He gestured to the water and cloth in her hand. “I’ll um…I’ll just stay here a while. I won’t cause any trouble. Misty doesn’t want me around, so…” His eyes fell once more. “Yeah. I’ll just stay here.”


Alec squeezed Misty’s hand and gave her a little smile too. “The world might be a better place without an Alec Banks in the way, but it’s far from being able to survive without you.” He cocked his head. “So don’t ever think it would have been better if we’d lost you, okay?” His voice was still quiet. Still calm. But he didn’t like thinking about what would have happened, had she not made it. It was bad enough having lost the baby – to lose her too…he didn’t want to try imagining it.

“Besides…” A new quirky smile surfaced. “If you were gone, I wouldn’t have a place to live.” He knew her well enough to know that she’d get he was just trying to tease, because it was hard to him to actually say, “I care about you.”

“You’re gonna be okay,” he comforted. “I know it doesn’t feel like it, but…I know you, and I know it might take a while, but you’re gonna come out of this. I promise.” He lifted her hand and gave it a gentle kiss. He knew she was tired and probably would rather just rest than talk. “Some others are here. Wyatt. Reese. Up to you if you want to see anyone else, though.”


A new tension had formed. Something was off kilter. Something was wrong. More wrong than normal. One wasn’t usually able to hear beyond the house walls, but today, though words could not be distinguished, the loudness of arguing could easily be heard. Though evil deeds were done, tempers were usually kept in check with a professional reserve. But today, anger stirred into action. And an execution was inevitable…

…Garret sat on the steps of the ammunition house, cleaning his rifle. He usually did this kind of work inside, but today, the fresh air felt nice. Not that “nice” was a luxury often offered around here, but today it was one he chose. He had just put bullets through the heads of two men who had failed in their tasks. Failure – the ultimate route to death when working for Medridge. Failure to complete a job. Failure to do his bidding. Failure to comply. No kind of failure was ever acceptable or forgiven. Those two guys should have known better than to return here from such a sensitive case anyway. Returning…not returning. That wasn’t normally an option pondered…

Garret realized he’d sat motionless for several minutes before bringing himself back to his work, and he shook his head. He could be shot himself for just thinking the things he was. Yet the thoughts were retuning more and more often, creating an undeniable longing in the pit of his blackened soul.

Clicking the pieces of his rifle back in place, he held it up to his shoulder and gazed down the barrel. Catching a certain woman in his sight though, he lowered the weapon. And right there was another factor that tormented his heart.

Better Off...

Hearing someone else come into the room Misty was happy to see Alec even if her eyes really held very little emotion. She didn't feel like seeing many people right now, or talking, or answering questions but Alec, he was different. The brother she'd always wanted but never really had, The brother that was closer than her own. Alec was special to her, and she was happy he was ok.

   "Maybe in the end, it would of been better off if I had."

It sounded morbid, and extremely depressing but suicide was the last thing she was thinking about even if it came across that way its not what she meant. It was just hard to comprehend and handle her emotions at the moment. She felt so cold, so empty, more empty than she ever had before because now she was. 

Taking Alec's hand in her own Misty just looks at it for a long moment as tears well in her eyes once more like a never ending river. Playing with his fingers for a long moment she sucks in a breath in a failed attempt to try and collect herself. 

   "I'm glad you are ok Alec. I don't know what I would of done if something had happened to you."

Looking up at him Misty gives a small smile that is more of a lame attempt to prove she was ok. But it was all she could really offer right now if that.

   "Yes, I think an I'm sorry is in order to him, but at the same time I have a feeling he understands and is not going to hold it against you."

Jason might be hard to deal with sometimes, and thick headed, and maybe not like Carson all that much at the moment but she believed he still had a good understanding of what was going on and that Carson just took his frustration out on anyone he could. Laying a hand on his shoulder Katie's heart broke just a little more of her friend. Leaning down over him and letting her hand slide around him Katie just held him for a long moment in a big bear hug.

   "Of course this is better. It's because you are not a murderous crook that you feel this pain. This life we have...it doesn't come easy and maybe ours is a little rougher than most others, but thats what makes it worth living. Thats what makes the reward at the end of the tunnel seem so much better."

Letting go Katie smiles just a tiny bit maybe hoping to bring just a little bit of comfort to her friend she felt so bad for. Maybe just a little something for him to hold on to...a little hope as to not give up.

   "Never doubt who you are, never let them win, because thats what they want. You are a man with a big heart, unconditional love, a man who has seen the easy road and walked away from it. You are Carson Banks, and I am proud to call you my friend, no matter what your past might look like."

Better Off Then

Feeling a hand on his leg, Carson needn't look up. He knew instinctively who it was just by hearing the way she moved and how her quiet spirit felt when she was near. Her words made his heart ache so very much, though they did soothe as well. If she could see he indeed cared for and loved Misty, why couldn't Misty see it? Why couldn't anyone else? Why had everyone abandoned him when he needed them most? 

With his face still hidden, he nodded, all the while still trying to keep himself from breaking down and crying. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. Finally, he lifted his face, though wouldn't look at Katie. "I need to apologize to Jason," he admitted quietly. "I just..." He shrugged. He knew she'd understand he hadn't meant to hurt anybody - he'd just been so angry, and Jason was all wrapped up in it somewhere and it was just...easy. 

"Just tell me this is better." His voice was still quiet. Shaky. "Tell me this is better than the life I had before because..." He choked on his words as the tears finally spilled over. He couldn't help it. He just couldn't stop them any longer. "Because right about now, I'd... I think I'd rather be a murderous crook than live through this." He swiped at his eyes angrily and tried to stop the tears. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."


Alec slowly entered Misty's room and walked quietly to her before he sat on the edge of her bed and set a hand on her arm. "Hey." His tone was gentler than most people normally saw. "I just...wanted to see you. I had quite a scare when I thought I'd lost you..."

That's Love...

Jumping a little and giving a gasp as Carson hit Jason Katie was surprised. She hadn't expected that at all even though she new Carson was upset and beside himself. Sometimes it was just a lot easier to show anger and sadness than express it, so though Katie didn't expect it, she really wasn't all that surprised either. Her heart ached even more for Carson as he left. She'd had some hard times with Jason in the past, but nothing like this and she couldn't even start to try and understand how anyone felt. All she did know is her own heart hurt a lot for everyone, and it could only be ten times harder for those involved. And somewhere inside for maybe the first time Katie was happy her and Jason weren't connected.

Laying a hand on Jason's arm and giving a small nod to him Katie looks at his lip quick to see if he was ok. There was some blood but he'd survive. He was right though and a little clean up was in order before he went and saw Misty. The last thing she needed was to see more blood.

   "Let me see if I can get a cloth, and some water to rinse your mouth out with. I'll be back."

Turning Katie makes her way down the hall and turns the corner. Spotting some cloths she grabs them before making her own way to the waiting room to get a bottle of water. Entering and seeing Carson there Katie lets out a small sigh. She new he wanted to be left a lone but he was her friend, and she needed to know he was going to be ok too. 

Sitting down next to him Katie rests her hand on his leg for a moment. All words seemed stupid to say and asking if he was ok was even dumber in Katie's mind. Of course he wasn't ok, and there was no point in pretending so why even ask. 

   "You haven't lost all your friends you know, and I'm happy to see you here. It's nice to know you still care, and are still trying. That's love right there, to not let go when everything and everyone says you should. Even if the other person can't see it."

Letting out a small sigh Katie new she had to get back. She didn't care if the others new she was talking to Carson. He was her friend, and he always would be but she needed to get the cloths and water to Jason.

  "I'll be around for a while, so if you need anything ask.....ok?"

Fire

Misty's stare might as well have driven a stake right through Carson's soul, because that's what it felt like. There was a new coldness there. An anger. A hatred. Blame. And Carson knew that all those things were not aimed at the Agency, but at him. He would have tried to convince himself otherwise, but there was one factor that tipped him off. In that stare, one thing was lacking. There was absolutely no trace of love for him left. He had been living on pure hope that somewhere, deep down, a love for him still lingered, even if it were small. But in this moment right now, non existed. 

He straightened and swallowed hard, finding it difficult to think of any words. He wanted to comfort her. Mourn with her. Care for her. And none of it - absolutely none - was possible. 

Having her pull her hand from his, his eyes fell. He automatically started to reach for her again, but stopped. Though it took all of his willpower not to, he knew that at this point, his touch was not welcome. And apparently, neither was his presence. All he wanted to do was help and be there for her, and all she wanted was for him to leave. It didn't make sense and it didn't feel right. But it was fact. 

Slowly, Carson stood, though his eyes lingered on the woman he was losing. "Okay." His voice was but a whisper. "But it's not charity. I do care. And I do love you, even if you don't believe it." Oh how he just wanted to lean down and kiss her cheek. That's all. But instead, he turned and walked away. There was more than sorrow on his heart though. More than anguish. A burning flame had begun - one of anger. One of rage. Rage against the Agency. Rage against those who refused to understand him. Rage against circumstances beyond his control.

By the time he reached the hall, adrenaline was already surging through his veins. There were more people there now. Jason and Katie had joined the others. And it was Jason on whom Carson's fiery gaze landed first.

Jason wasn't sure all that had happened just now, but he truly was sorry about the circumstance and was hurting for Misty. The look on Carson's face was not easily interpreted, but Jason even felt genuine sorrow for him as well. The first words were the only words he could think of, after a slight nod hello. "I am so sorry." 

There wasn't any hesitation. Or if there was, no one noticed or even heard the curse that slipped out from under Carson's breath. For in the next moment, he had hauled back and with true aim, sent a punch directly into Jason's mouth. Taken so by surprise, Jason didn't even block or move out of the way, taking the full brunt of Carson's swing. Knocked off balance, he stumbled back into the wall, putting a hand to his already-bleeding mouth. 

Before Carson could even move another inch, Alec grabbed his arm and Reese stepped between him and Jason. "What in blazes do you think you're doing?!" 

Carson's glare shifted to Reese as he yanked his arm loose from Alec's grip. "Aw, rack off." 

"Hey!" Reese was not about to let this one go, and gave Carson a hefty whack on the chest to keep him in line. "We let you be here because I thought you were going to keep control of yourself." 

"You...you let me be here?" Carson's eyebrows rose, and he blinked. "Let me?" He pointed to Misty's room. "That is my wife in there!" Tears sprang into his eyes. "I lost a child today too, or does that not count?" His voice started to crack, but he kept himself in check. "I have lost everything. My friends, family, my wife, and now my child. And all anyone can do is keep pushing me away because they think they know better than me." The fire in his eyes glowed hot. "Hang all your condolences and sympathies. None of you want me here anyway." 

Shoving his way past Reese, he ignored all the others, and aimed for the nearby waiting room. He let the door fall shut behind him, and was glad to find the room void of other people. Sinking down in a chair, he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, and buried his head in his hands. His body shook with adrenaline as he fought against his rage, his sorrow, his confusion and his misery. Never before had he faced this kind of trial, and he didn't know what to do. And never had he ever felt so alone. Being a part of the Agency...that had been better than this.

Back out in the hall, Jason wiped his bloody lip with his sleeve, and rolled his tongue around his teeth to make sure they were all still in tact. "Dang... I swear he's got knuckles made out of steel." 

Reese was still frowning. "You alright?"

"Yeah, I've had worse." Jason rolled his eyes. "I don't want to see Misty like this though - it'll just upset her."

Wyatt shook his head. "You two get into something recently or what?" 

"No." Jason knew better. As much as he wanted to lash out at Carson's actions, he just couldn't. "I'm just an easy target after everything that's happened." He glanced at Katie. "Guess I need to work on my timing. Or my evading skills." He wiped his lip again. "Maybe both."