4/12/13

Spouting Off

Gunner hadn't moved from his seat in Hope's office, although his anger had subsided just a little by the time she came. He was still angry, but feeling less like he wanted to hit somebody.

Unwilling to look at her, his dark eyes stared at the floor, and he remained slouched in the chair. "Oh, people wanna help me alright," he retorted. "They all wanna help fix me. Change me. Just because they don't understand. It's the fact that nobody wants to help me find the truth - the only kind of help I want, and I get punished for it."

He scuffed his boot on the floor, making little ridges in the carpet.  If anyone were to observe, they might see a little boy acting as though he'd just been grounded for misbehaving.

"Reese didn't have his childhood ripped out from under him," he continued angrily. "He doesn't have nightmares, seeing his parents die night after night after night. He isn't tormented enough to want to go put a bullet in his brain every morning. Yet he thinks he knows what's best for me! He thinks taking away my privileges, like I'm his teenage boy, is what will work. Just 'cause I went a little too far last time, he thinks he's got it made by taking away my badge. That doesn't do anything but take away his responsibility. If I'm not on duty, then I can't go do anything stupid in the name of the Elite and have him be liable for it. All he's doing is taking care of his own rear end!"

Yet even as he finally looked up at Hope to give her a fiery glare, somewhere, deep down - way deep down - there was relief. Relief that he didn't have to worry about his job right now. Relief that he could now take time to focus on himself rather than the Elite. Relief that someone was forcing him to take care of his issues.

"I know I got problems," he grumbled. "I know I'm just a little off kilter. I always have been, ever since I got a metal plate fused to my skull. And so? I get a bit obsessed. I can't help it. I try to forget about it, and it comes back again and again. So sue me for being too tired to fight it anymore! Ridicule me for giving in and digging for the truth again."

His eyes blazed as he stared at Hope. "It's not my fault all of this came back again. It's not my fault that almost every night I wake up and think I'm in the hospital again after the accident. Reese thinks he knows my problems? If he had the same nightmares with the same degree of violence every night, he'd want to go walk off a bridge too."

Tears burned just under the surface, proving that more than just anger existed in Gunner right now. "I've been living on caffeine and adrenaline because I can't get a decent night's sleep." His voice cracked as he tried to hold himself together. "Yet I'm punished for not focusing on my job. I'm hounded for answers when I don't even have any. My fiance keeps asking me what's wrong and I don't even know how to respond. Nothing is wrong, other than the fact that I'm losing my sanity, and all anybody cares about is whether or not I'm getting to work on time!"

By now, he'd straightened in his seat and his leg was bouncing again. His body was tight and ready to bolt for the door. "I chased ghosts for years, I blamed myself, tried to kill myself, then I finally thought I'd let it go. Now it's back just as strongly as it was before. The nightmares, the obsession... all of it. All I want to do is solve that stupid case...or just forget the whole thing and finally see my parents again." It was the final statement that finally brought Gunner's eyes back to the floor as he paused. "I just wanna go home and sleep," he ended. "I'm too tired to deal with all this garbage."


Carson forced a little half smile at Thirteen. "Naw...I guess I'm not really okay. Not much anybody can do about it though."

His last visit with Mackenzie had been tough. Not because of her, or even Alec, but because there had been many comments about Misty and Jason. It wasn't Mackenzie's fault - she was just excited about having been with them and liked telling Carson about what she'd been doing. Carson enjoyed seeing his daughter happy, but there was a part of him that didn't want to hear any more. He missed Misty desperately, and hearing about her and Jason didn't help. He'd been so determined, and now...he wondered if it really was a losing battle. He wondered if he really should finally surrender to the inevitable fact that he'd never get his wife back again.

Still looking up at Thirteen, he tried to shrug it off. "Let's just say I'm glad you and Aerith have stuck around - not many people have, and...I appreciate it." He did, too. Phil had come around a few times, but he still hadn't seen Axel at all, and nobody from the Elite would give him the time of day, not to mention Reese hadn't used him at all on any cases lately. He didn't blame anybody, but it felt as though his life was getting more and more cramped every day. All he had was the restaurant. That was it. And sometimes...every once in a while...he wondered where he'd be if he'd never been touched by Jamie or caught by the Elite in the first place.

Standing up, he gave Thirteen's shoulder a pat. "Don't forget to take the leftovers in the fridge when you leave this afternoon." 


Starting the meal with Grace, Jared smiled. "You're welcome." To him, the effort was totally worth it. Grace was worth it. If not for her, well...he wasn't sure what kind of shape he'd be in right now. She deserved a whole lot more than he could give, that was for sure. 

Having dinner with her was nice. And even though it was really a date, the atmosphere wasn't awkward in the least, which made it even more enjoyable. It was only as they were finishing up dessert that Jared sat back and just watched Grace for a few minutes. He didn't rightly know what to do now. Innocent dates weren't exactly something he was experienced with. To have had dinner without plans to keep a girl all night was not his normal pattern.

"I don't know if there's anything good on tv tonight," he mentioned with a shrug. There wasn't much else to do - or much else he could do. "Then again, I don't know when you've gotta go home either." 



So why

Taking some potholders along with the big wooden bored Thirteen goes to the oven and pulls the pizza that had been cooking out. Setting it down into the pizza box and than cutting the pizza Thirteen turns around. Seeing Carson sitting down she cocks her head a little bit to the side before walking over to the table. Carson looked...tired today.
  
   "Are you ok Carson?"

Following Jared with her own plate of food to the table a smile spreads on her lips seeing the candles. Jared went though so much to make this possible tonight she didn't mind one bit that the food came from somewhere else.

   "That is completely ok with me. Its the thought that counts and I can tell much thought went into this weather you cooked it yourself or not."

Getting settled with Jared the smile never left Grace's face. Saying a little prayer and than taking a bite of food Grace couldn't help the small murmur of pleasure that escaped her lips. This was one of the best things she has tasted in a long while. It was amazing, and oh so good.

   "Wow Jared you really outdid yourself. Thank you."

Sitting still while Reese calls in Gunner things dident really go how Hope thought it was going too. She was suprised by Reese but pleased too. Gunner needed this weither he thought he did or not. She could see the pain on Gunner's face and in his eyes but is was that slight hidden releaf that new Reese did the right thing as well. Others might not catch on to it because Gunner hid it well but she could see it.

   "I think that is a good thing Reese. You made the right choose."

Leaving Reese office Hope takes a little bit of time before going back to her own. She new Gunner was upset and he would be for a while but she wanted him to cool down at least a little bit. So doing a few things on the main floor would leave room for that.

A little time passed and Hope finally when back to her office. Opening the door and going to her desk she pulls a manilla envelop from her draw with Gunner's name on it. It was his old file and she would just add to it. Sitting and studing Gunner for a long second Hope cocked her head to one side.

   "So Gunner, I'd like to start out seeing your twice a week and we can go from there. Why do you think no one wants to help you? I am willing to try."