Who I am

Garret just sat, motionless and silent as Nate talked. What he said made a little sense to him...and some of it didn't. Even Nate's reason for coming here in the first place - that he cared - was a foreign concept to him. He understood...he just couldn't quite relate. And maybe he really didn't believe him.

"Hope, huh?" He scoffed. "Hope for what? A realistic future? Actual freedom? A family?" He shook his head. "I don't even know what a family is supposed to look like, let alone any kind of future with Victoria." He finally realized he needed to tend to his wounds, and reached for some antiseptic. Applying it to his knuckles first, he gritted his teeth against the pain. "I was stupid to think I could fabricate something real out of the nightmare I've been living in. Victoria was smart to stay with the Agency. I shoulda just transferred to another location so I wouldn't have to see her all the time. Then none of this would have happened." 

As he wiped away the blood on his hands though, he refused to meet Nate's eyes, protecting himself from exposing too much of what he was feeling. There was hope. But it was so far down, buried under so much, that he wasn't sure he even wanted to bring it to the surface again. Hope only brought disappointment. Hope only brought more pain. 

A scoff surfaced. "Now I know why Carson tried to kill himself. I thought I was trading one world for the other, but I just willingly walked into limbo with absolutely no solid ground to stand on." Moving to the tops of his feet, a growl slipped out as the antiseptic hit. "And for what? Staying a robot soldier would have been better than not knowing my place at all." It was only his depression talking. Deep down, he still felt the same way he had months ago - desperate to get out from under Medridge and the senselessness of it all. But tonight, right here...this...this is what felt senseless. How could a step in the right direction feel so messed up?

With any excess blood cleaned up now, he leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the bloody punching bag. A new flashback entered his mind - one that took him to years ago when he'd been held responsible for someone else fouling up a mission. Instead of someone beating him up, he'd been forced to face a cedar post and hit it with his bare knuckles until his hands looked like raw meat. After that, he'd shot the man who's fault it had been.  

It was a few minutes until he finally spoke again. His tone was quieter now as exhaustion took over. "When I was ten, I tried to drown myself. I wish I would have succeeded," he concluded. "You say I should now prove everyone wrong...that I'm me. But..." He turned his head and finally looked Nate in the eye. "I haven't had an identity since I was five years old." He still refused to say how he'd ended up in the arms of the Agency at that age, but the pain was evident. "I don't even know who I really am."


Watching Stacy with the other baby made Eric's heart grow even warmer. He had thought of the future with her - of course. But he'd been taking things one day at a time, working at figuring out his own stability, how far his relationship with Stacy really went, and even how Ashlee fit into it all. Of course he'd thought about being a real family - the three of them. Finding out about the twins had thrown everything off kilter. But watching Stacy now...he knew that if there really was a future for them...they'd be a family of five, and she wouldn't leave him just because of the extra mouths to feed and the extra work that would now be involved. She wasn't just a security guard. She wasn't just his girlfriend. She was a woman. A mother. And she was a godsend. 

Eric's eyes widened at her comment. "I hadn't even thought about names." Come to think of it, no one had ever said anything about names, he'd just assumed. But apparently Dana hadn't even done that much. He blinked. Most people had months to decide on names. "Guess I better do some thinking, huh?" 

He looked down at the bundle in his arms and at her shining eyes. Would it be possible to preserve that innocence in such a messed-up, corrupt world? All he could do was try. Nothing in this family had ever been easy. 

Setting her back down gently in her crib, she seemed satisfied enough for now to drift off to sleep again. Once Stacy was free again as well, Eric just turned to her and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug for several long moments. "Thank you," he whispered. He knew he kept saying it, but it was still true. "Troy comes back tomorrow...and there are so many things I have to figure out now. Just...be patient with me, okay? I'm not gonna be able to think through everything on my own."