Regret

Ending the call with Beth, Justin runs a hand through his hair and tries to get his head on straight. By the time his shoes were on and he was in his pickup, his mind had already thought up all kinds of theories about what had happened with Beth and Zach today. One thing he was sure of though - she wouldn't have wanted to meet him face-to-face if she was going to tell him she wouldn't date Zach. No, Justin was sure she must have decided to date him.

Driving down the dark highway, Justin would kick himself, if humanly possible. How long had he felt this way about Beth? How long had he been denying it to himself? He thinks back to when they met. He'd been attracted to her right off the bat. Then realizing what kind of life she'd had and seeing that she needed something other than romance, he'd immediately backed off and switched into his counseling friend mode. He'd been seeking close friendship and settled for helping someone instead. And then what?

Justin brakes at an intersection before moving on. And then Beth had grown. She'd come out of her shell and started living again. She'd come closer to him. Now that he thought back, he could see clearly how she'd wanted to be more than friends. At the time, he'd ignored it. But even so, he'd had his own tugs on his heart that he had pushed aside. Why though? Why had he avoided it? Fear? 

Squinting at an oncoming driver that forgot to dim his brights, Justin's mind continued to ponder. What could he have possibly been afraid of? If he were counseling someone else, he'd bring to light that he'd been burned more than once before. His first serious girlfriend had wound up being so needy that it was unhealthy - and he'd helped Beth just like he'd started out helping his ex. After that, he'd fallen yet again, only to be abandoned soon after - and his relationship with Beth had been a bit sudden just like that one. Then soon after that, he'd discovered his "friends" really didn't think much of him at all - and he'd trusted Beth like he'd trusted those friends. So in the end... it really was quite obvious from a counseling standpoint why Justin would be afraid. 

To top it all off, he'd also begun taking Beth's friendship for granted. Sidling past his deeper feelings, he'd begun to get used to having Beth around, not even thinking about how she felt or if she'd want more than he was giving. He recalled a few times they'd "accidentally" flirted with each other... he should have known then that he was walking a fine line between where they stood and hurting her feelings. But he'd continued to ignore it. 

And then he'd heard about Zach. Why, oh why had he not acted on his jealous feelings in the very beginning? Why hadn't he recognized his own feelings enough to admit how he felt to Beth? Why had he continued to let fear get in the way? Was he too proud? Too stubborn? 

Getting into town and nearing the all-night coffee shop, Justin sighs. It didn't matter what he'd been. The bottom line was he hadn't acted soon enough. He'd seen a little bird learn to fly and he'd taken too long to jump off the limb himself. 

Pulling into the parking lot and shutting off the engine, he sits for a moment, playing with his keys. No matter what Beth told him, he'd be proud of her. If she'd decided to date Zach, then maybe that was best and it certainly showed she had grown. She'd stepped so far from her original little world that she was almost a different person - she'd turned into who she had the potential to be. Or at least was well on her way. Justin couldn't condemn her for that. No... no, he'd support her. He'd smile. He'd be happy for her. He'd accept her news gracefully and he would let her go. He knew they'd still be friends, but he also knew that they wouldn't see each other nearly as much. For one, she'd be busy with Zach. And for another, if Zach cared about her at all, he probably wouldn't take too kindly to her spending too much time with Justin anymore. Some, but not as much. Most likely there'd be no more late night movies at his place... suppers almost every night... her cherry pies... 

Swallowing his pride, Justin finally gets out of his truck. He was still in his grass-stained jeans and old t-shirt from working in the yard earlier, but there probably wasn't much point in getting cleaned up anyway. 

Pocketing his keys, he wanders inside and scans the room for Beth.

Jeff smirks and gives a little sigh, but he sets the playing cards aside for now. If he argued about eating, he'd just upset Katie even more, and at this point he didn't want to do that. Retrieving his plate, he nibbles a little more on his sandwich, although his stomach churns. He wouldn't be able to eat more than half of this at most, if he was going to keep it down. 

Katie's question about her mother snaps his eyes back to her. She rarely asked, and he rarely spoke of it, just because it was buried in the past. But, like any young woman, he knew it was natural that she might wish to have known her mother. 

Sighing, Jeff leans his head back on the wall as his eyes drift to the ceiling. He'd told Katie things before, especially right after she'd found out he was her father. But nothing was really in detail. Just character traits mostly. But what had she really been like?

"She was sunshine," he finally answers quietly. "Soft... quiet. When we met, I thought she was never going to talk to me." A little smile creases his lips. "We met at a small party. I didn't have many close friends, but I went anyway and she was there. We sat together for probably half an hour before she'd actually talk to me." 

He turns his head to look at Katie and he chuckles. "I thought she was shy. She'd actually been studying me to see if I was worth conversation or not. I asked her out, and on the first date, I knew I'd want to marry her." 

He takes another nibble of his sandwich, lost in thought. "Crystal... gave me new purpose. I'd been sick but all of a sudden I felt well again. She knew I was sick though. And when we were married, in her vows she said, 'No matter how many days I must care for you, no matter how many days you feel weak or discouraged and I must be your strength, I will do so with all my heart, and my love will never fail.'" 

To this day, Jeff could hear her voice and remember her words. Feeling hot tears behind his eyes, he sets his food aside, giving up again for now. Shaking his head, he sighs and fiddles with the cotton swab that was taped over where the IV had been. "I guess I'm glad she can't see me now," he concludes. 

Luke felt badly for Angel, and wished there was something he could do. Moving to sit on the edge of her desk, he searches her face, giving her a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry... You haven't wasted your time though. Jeff's just bullheaded and he's probably just having a grouchy day. He'll come around like he always does." 

Reaching out to tilt Angel's chin up with a gentle finger, he smiles. "You're a wonderful doctor and friend... don't ever think you're not. Just because Jeff doesn't want to listen doesn't mean you're not doing a good job. It's just gonna take him longer to see you're right."