Never mine to gain

Leo glances over from his work station and nods to Ryan. "Yeah... sure." He wanders over to see the paperwork. "I can finish it up." His eyes travel to the door where Tal's form was no longer seen. He sure had been standing there a long time earlier though. Even Miles had commented under his breath that he wondered if Tal was watching the cars or the scenery. Leo nods again. "Go take care of your customer."

Inside, Tal had started pacing again, wandering to the window, looking at a few things on the wall, getting a cup of coffee, going to the window again, sitting, standing, pacing some more. He didn't leave though - there really was no point, if his car would be done. He knew Ryan would have told him if it would be later than today.

Hearing the door, he spins on his heel to see Ryan coming in. The corners of his mouth upturn. "She emerges at last. What's the bad news, doc?"


Letting Dalton into his office, Reese leans back in his chair and listens before letting out a long sigh. Why did Alec want those people protected? What was the connection? And why did he care? It didn't make sense.

"Well... it would be stupid, I think, to not pay heed to what he said, so I'll make sure I get eyes out there to make sure everyone is okay and stays that way. As far as his innocence or guilt... I'm not sure what to make of all that either. I haven't talked to him myself, but JT has and I don't understand any of it. It would have been so easy for Alec to say none of it was his fault, yet he didn't. But if he's not that cowardly, why did he want to die?"

Reese shrugs lamely. "Thanks, Dalton. I'll let you know if I need you again, and I'll also get someone assigned to watch your place as well. Be careful."


Finding meaning in this life,
Ain't what it's cracked up to be.
I find myself sometimes,
Wondering why I'm here.
Nothing to gain, nothing to lose,
Just sitting here by myself.
A heart of stone needs chiseled away,
Why does it have to hurt?

"Two more days, Alec, then you're coming back to TJY."

Alec gives Reese a dim look. Only one wrist was handcuffed to his bed today - his lack of outbursts had earned him that much... just like Dalton had suggested. He still felt miserable though, and Reese's news didn't make him feel any better. "Yippee."

Reese sighs. It was his second visit and he was still hoping for some better responses. "You ready to talk yet about what happened?"

Silence.

"We need to know, Alec."

"You still got people watching the others?"

"Yes - just like you said. Carson's making sure there's an eye on Misty, I got eyes on Dani and Dalton's looking out for himself, though we do have someone watching his place for a while."

"And Ryan?"

Reese sighs again. "It would help if you told me why the Agency would be after these people."

Alec glares at him. "Do you have someone watching Ryan or not?"

"We do." Reese waits for more, but nothing comes. "All you implied was that these people could be in danger... all you would do was demand they were watched. Now if you care that much, why won't you tell me why?"

"I don't care. I just want to see you guys keep busy."

Reese shakes his head and stands up from the hospital chair. "Have it your way."

I can see the sun is rising,
But it's only in a frame.
I can see a future, bright and clear,
But it's never mine to gain.
Sometimes I think,
I'm better off gone,
But chains hold me in place.
I want that sunrise,
I want what you got,
But I lost the game again.

"Welcome home." Hal opens the holding room door.

Alec trudges inside. His hands were cuffed together, but at least they'd taken the cuffs off his ankles. He looks around the small cement block room. It was the same nightmare all over again - the same walls, the same cot, the same table, the same sink and toilet... the same windowless, mirrorless, cold, dim room with a lock on the door. Turning around, he looks at Hal, his eyes lacking life.

Hal almost pities him... almost. "I'll bring you supper when it's time."

"Don't bother. I'm not hungry." Alec wanders to the cot and sits down, slouched against the wall. He holds up his wrists in question.

Hal shakes his head. "Sorry."

Fighting for the truth in life,
Ain't what it's cracked up to be.
I find myself sometimes,
Just wanting to walk away.
Nothing to gain, nothing to lose,
Wand'ring the desert plain.
A heart of steel meets sharpened tools,
Why does it have to hurt?

"Let me out of here!" Alec yells at the top of his lungs and slams his fists into the interrogation room door again. He'd been in here for hours, starting out with one grueling interrogation after the other - all of which he hadn't cooperated with. Sweat poured down the sides of his face and his body trembled, begging for just one more pill.

Blood smears on the door and he stops banging, realizing he'd just rubbed the side of his hand raw. Growling, he goes back to the table and kicks over the chair angrily. Pulling against his handcuffs with all his might, all he does is serve to cut into his arms. Giving another yell, this time it's the table that topples over with a loud crash. Picking up the chair, he swings and lets go, sending it flying into the two-way mirror, but it doesn't break.

Breathing heavily, he turns his back on the mirror to wince. Looking down, he sees blood seeping through his shirt near his shoulder.

On the other side of the mirror, Reese shakes his head and throws up his hands. "I don't know what to do." He looks at Angelica lamely. "I keep fighting Brown to keep Alec out of prison but I don't even know why. Asking you to try and keep him from being convicted is asking an impossible task when he won't even tell us what happened - he won't even defend himself and I don't know why." He rubs a tired hand over his face before pushing the intercom button by the door. "Rick... come to interrogation one. Alec's torn his stitches... again."

I can see the sun is rising,
But it's only in a frame.
I can see a future, bright and clear,
But it's never mine to gain.
Sometimes I think,
I'm better off gone,
But chains hold me in place.
I want that sunrise,
I want what you got,
But I lost the game again.

Alec sits on the floor in the corner of the interrogation room, exhausted, hungry and thirsty. But he'd refused any food or drink all day, remaining silent through several more interrogation attempts. First by Reese, then Nate, then Con. Today he'd kept completely quiet though. He felt as if he had no spirit. No throwing chairs today... no kicking tables... no trying to choke Rick as a way out. The cravings had subsided - not gone completely, but at least he was through the worst part, as far as withdrawal went. As far as everything else went though, it felt as if he were just entering the worst part. He didn't remember feeling quite this alone when he'd been brought here in the first place. He didn't remember feeling quite this miserable. And he knew that soon... soon he would be put behind bars.

Hearing the door, he looks up to meet the eyes of a man he'd seen only a few times.

"Hi, Alec. Justin Hawks... remember me?"

Does it really matter?
This life I always wanted.
Does it really matter?
What the future holds.
I wonder if it matters,
What lies inside my heart.
I wonder if it matters,
What's buried deep inside.

Alec makes another tally mark on the wall, using a paperclip to scratch away the gray paint. Counting the days, it really hadn't been all that long since he'd been back. But it felt like a lifetime and a half. A tv dinner sat uneaten on the table, cold from neglect. As his stomach growls though, it isn't that dinner that he thinks about. It's a dinner that he'd once had... a dinner that had once revealed to him that someone cared.

Lying back down on the cot, tears sting his eyes. Christmas turkey... homemade potatoes, gravy and rolls... His mouth waters, but his heart aches more.

The opening door makes him shoot up and wipe his eyes, trying to hide the emotions before looking to see who it was. Justin. He sighs. "Haven't you given up yet?"

"What? Because of a few tantrums?" Justin shakes his head. "Takes more than that to get rid of me. How're the wrists?"

Alec looks down at the sores on his wrists. "They'd be better without these handcuffs on."

"Talk and they come off. I've got Reese's word."

Alec scoffs. "His word, huh? That's never been of much value."

"Look..." Justin wanders closer and folds his arms. The last few days had been filled with nightmarish sessions that had gotten them nowhere. Slowly but surely though, Justin was seeing past the veil of hate and anger in Alec's eyes and beginning to see more, like pain and loneliness. "...There's no point in trying to tell you how the system works - you already know all that. But you might as well start cutting a few deals. I mean really... only an idiot would sit around in handcuffs day after day if they actually had the option of getting out of them."

Alec was on his feet in an instant, glaring Justin in the eye from only a few inches away. "Idiot, huh?" he hisses. "Put yourself in my shoes for a day then tell me who the idiot is."

Justin doesn't even flinch. Instead, he looks back at Alec with little interest. "If you'd ever take your shoes off, maybe I could see if they fit. Until you do though, I can't see from your perspective. And Reese can't either. He's your key, Alec... whether you like it or not, being on his good side is the only thing that might keep you from getting put behind bars."

Alec backs down and turns his back. "I don't care."

"I think you do." Justin waits a few moments, giving the air time to settle. "If you tell what really happened, you might as well stick a knife in your heart. But you've got to grin and bear the pain if you're gonna heal." He didn't know for sure that Alec's story would cause pain, but it was a hunch he was willing to bet on. "Quit being a martyr... it isn't worth it if no one benefits."

Hearing the click of the door again, Alec spins around to find himself alone once more. The tears return to his eyes. Ten minutes later though, he was punching the intercom. "Hal... tell Reese I want to see him."

I can see the sun is rising,
But it's only in a frame.
I can see a future, bright and clear,
But it's never mine to gain.
Sometimes I think,
I'm better off gone,
But chains hold me in place.
I want that sunrise,
I want what you got,
But I lost the game again.


Jason sets his head down on his folded arms, trying to ignore the pain in his skull. Nausea, a headache for three days straight and dizziness were the rewards for being off the antidote. But he hadn't told Rick. And he hadn't let Katie feel all of it either. He just couldn't do that. It was getting worse though... today he'd come in to work, but couldn't concentrate on anything and he'd already fallen asleep here at his desk once. Thankfully he was full of enough pain killers to numb his knee that was wrapped after surgery - having to stay off of it for the next couple weeks wasn't helping things any either. He was miserable, but he hadn't told Katie. He wanted their connection... he liked being able to talk to her again... he liked it that she could feel him again and he liked it that she was smiling again. But he wasn't going to be able to take this much longer and he was fighting it the whole way.

Looking up, he notes the time. He wasn't supposed to go to lunch with Katie for another ten minutes right? He puts his head back down. He'd be there... he would...


Trooper nudges Jason's arm but receives no response. A whine doesn't lift Jason's head either and for a moment, the dog just studies him. Then turning, he goes to Jason's cracked office door and claws it open before he glances one way down the hall, then the other. He wasn't allowed to leave without his master, but today he was defying that rule.

Trotting to the main floor, he stops and looks again, avoiding the sound of Wyatt's voice. Turning the other way, he sniffs the floor and keeps on going until he'd reached Katie's cubicle. Wandering up beside her, he nudges her arm. Giving her something between a whine and a groan, he takes her shirt sleeve in his teeth and gives it a tug.