Breakdown

Eric smiles and looks back to Stacy with a nod. "Yeah... I'll be around unless there's an earthquake and my bunk gets swallowed up." 

He tosses her a wink. Reaching up, he gives her shoulder a little squeeze. "G'night, Stacy." After a little pause, he finally turns and heads towards his bunkhouse. There was a part of him that was very wide awake. And a part of him that was exhausted. He knew he'd regret it in the morning if he didn't at least try to sleep. 

Once inside, he flops down on his bed with a groan. Touching his leg gingerly, he winces. He'd ignored it all day long and had a good job not favoring it - now he was paying for it. It had been worth it though... A grin creeps across his lips. Different.... very different... but worth it....

"...yeah so...I guess I was on my feet a little too much yesterday." Eric sits on Angel's table, giving her a bit of a sheepish look. He'd taken his meds last night and iced his leg down for quite a while before finally going to sleep. But by this morning it had been so stiff he'd barely been able to get out of bed. He'd made it to Angel's before most others were up and hoped he'd be able to at least work in the barn by late morning if he could loosen up enough. 

"Kinda... just stiff I guess but figured I should let you look at it."

Sparky leans on the corral fence and watches as Dylan struggles to keep Sharpshooter under control. The gelding was giving his rider a much harder time than normal, fighting the big and crow-hopping around the corners.

Dylan grits his teeth, maintaining a firm grip on his reins. Keeping his heels down and his seat planted in the saddle, he was doing all he could, but was growing more frustrated. As Sharpshooter throws his head again, Dylan gives the bit a yank, fed up with how today's ride was going.

Sparky holds up his hand, waving him over. "Bring him in, Dylan. I think that's enough for  today."

Dylan scowls but does as he's told. It was only after he'd dismounted and was untacking in the barn that Sparky approaches him. Grabbing a towel to rub down Sharpshooter, he glances over at the young man. "What's up, Dylan?"

"With what? This beast? I have no idea."

Sharpshooter lays his ears back as Dylan rubs him down a little roughly. Sparky nods. "Take a step back."

"What?"

"Step back. Do it."

Thought not understanding why, Dylan steps back from from the horse. "Yeah?"

"Take a good hard look at this horse and tell me why he's been misbehaving all morning."

It takes a few moments, but eventually, Dylan's shoulder's drop. "You're telling me he's been reacting to me, aren't you?"

"I'm not. Sharpshooter is though."

Dylan sighs and steps back up to the horse more gently this time. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have ridden at all today."

"Maybe." Sparky continues working slowly. "Something bothering you?"

"No."

"Ah. Okay."

Dylan pauses and looks over at his uncle before sighing again. There was a lot bothering him. Ever since Dan had brought him back, it felt like he was at the bottom of a dark pit, and ironically, today seemed worse after last night. "I dunno. Guess I'm just thinking about last night."

"Oh? You didn't have a good time?"

"No, I did... I just..." Dylan's eyes lower. "I got to thinking about it afterward, and I figure I really didn't deserve to be included like that."

Sparky tips back his hat a little and leans on Sharpshooter. "I find very few things I actually deserve..." He cocks his head. "But that doesn't mean I'm not supposed to accept what others give."

When Dylan falls silent, Sparky studies him closely. He felt badly for the young man and knew he must be in awful turmoil much of the time. It was obvious to him that Dylan needed to release a lot of things he was keeping stuffed inside. But would he? "Got a job for you today unless you've got too much schoolwork."

"I always do," Dylan scoffs. "What'dya got?"

Sparky chuckles. "I need a hand - I gotta go work on a section of fence. Just gonna take a four-wheeler. Thought I'd do it over lunch if I can get Faith to make us a couple sandwiches."

Dylan shrugs. Sounded better than eating inside a crowded dining room or skipping and being chided for it. "Yeah sure."

"Good. Let's finish up with this brute then and I'll see you back here in a couple hours."

"...so I guess 'cause I was working as a mechanic, the nickname stuck and it's been with me ever since." Sparky struggles to tighten a strand of wire around the fence post, needing Dylan's help to hold it in place.

Dylan shakes his head. "Faith's the only one I hear call you Tyler."

Sparky chuckles. "Yeah, well... I guess when somebody's that special to ya, they can get away with more than other people."

Dylan almost grins. He'd never say so, but he thought Sparky and Faith were kind of cute together. Her being so much younger and Sparky still obviously head over heels for her. It was... refreshing. He wondered if it was a rarity. "You think everybody has a chance at having somebody... well... special like that?"

Setting the wire with a grunt, Sparky straightens and wipes his brow. "I do think so. Not everybody takes the opportunity when it's there, but I think there's a chance for everybody, yeah."

"Like... my dad and Rosetta?" Dylan's eyes had dropped to the ground as he toys with an extra piece of wire. He hadn't really meant to ask that out loud, but it had slipped. It was just the first thing that had popped into his mind since he often wondered about it - the subject of his dad and Rosetta and how they'd ended up together after all those years.

Sparky quirks an eyebrow. "Well I suppose so. I mean, they're pretty special to each other as far as I can tell."

"Yeah..."

"You don't think so?"

"Nah." Dylan shrugs. "I do. I just figure Dad loves Rosetta more than he did Mom is all. Like he was supposed to be with Rosetta all along."

Sparky frowns and takes off his gloves to lean on the fence post. "What are you getting at?"

"Well I couldn't ever see my dad abandoning her or BJ." Again the words were out before Dylan realized it.

Now Sparky understood. "But... he did abandon you and your family?"

"Well didn't he?"

Sparky sighs deeply. He could see the bitter anger in his nephew's eyes but didn't know what to do about it. "I'm not gonna pretend to know what happened. But from what I understand, due to Agency interference, your mom told him to leave."

"He coulda fought longer," Dylan grumbles. He hadn't intended to talk about any of this, but now that it was the topic of choice, he might as well ride it out, especially when he was out of Mick's earshot. "He wouldn't let the Agency win now if his life depended on it. Not when Rosetta and BJ are involved."

"Hey." Sparky looks at him sternly. "I don't know why he gave up then. But there were a lot of factors in play at the time, and you can't keep on blaming him like this. He loves you to no end. I think you know it and just aren't willing to accept it."

"But he-"

"He has fought tooth and toenail to keep you here and keep you safe. Do you know how many times he has fought your mother just to have another chance at getting to know you? Not a day goes by that I don't see him watching you just to make sure you're okay. And when he sees you working or sees you on a horse, there's not a man more proud." Sparky sets his hands on his hips. "I don't know what happened before or whether he'd do the same thing today or not. But the past is the past and the Mick I know today loves you."

Dylan fights his churning emotions and the burning behind his eyes. He digs his toe in the ground, not willing to look up at Sparky. He remembered the phone call he'd heard when Dan had brought him back, but it didn't erase what had happened prior. "He doesn't even trust me not to hurt an innocent girl."

"Ah. Still hanging onto that one too?"

"Wouldn't you?" Dylan shoots him a glare. "If roles were switched, would you have done differently?"

Sparky doesn't leave time for thinking - only praying somewhere in the split seconds between words. "Well what did you do?"

"I did the only thing I know how." Dylan's glare remains as his eyes glisten. He didn't know why he felt so angry all of a sudden, but if he didn't speak, he feared getting sick. He'd talked to no one about this, but Sparky's question was too blunt to ignore. "I went out, shot myself up with drugs, hung out with old pals and I probably slept around a bit too, although some nights I don't even remember what I did."

Stuffing his hands in his pockets he turns to hide the emotions on his face, choosing to pace a few feet away. "That's all I know how to do, ya know... that's all I did before. Drugs, booze, girls... I was younger than Ashlee when it all started. Can you imagine her going out and letting a guy have his way with her while she's shooting up on drugs? Huh? No, that would be despicable! But not for me. That's just who I am."

Sparky doesn't know what to say, so he remains silent. He wasn't sure what had triggered this explosion but he knew it was best to let it ride.

Dylan kicks at a clod of dirt. "I shoulda just killed myself when I had the chance. At least then nobody would have to keep their eye on me anymore or worry about me doing anything stupid."  He spins around and stares at Sparky. "Do you know how close I was to pulling to that trigger?" He holds up his fingers. "This close. And Dan talked me out of it."

Sparky swallows hard and tries to keep his voice steady. "I'm glad he did."

"No you're not. No one is." Dylan's words were spat in an anger he didn't even understand. "I wasn't worth fighting for when I was a kid and I'm not now."

"That's a lie!" Sparky couldn't help it that his volume rose. He couldn't imagine what would have happened if Dylan had actually ended his life. It was heartbreaking. "Don't buy into it," he orders sternly. "That's a lie from the devil himself. You are worth so much more than you think, and you're certainly worth fighting for."

Dylan turns again and slams his fist onto a fencepost. The pain in his hand didn't compare to the pain in his heart though. His jaw quivers as unwanted tears roll slowly down his face. "Maybe I was once," he counters, "but I'm not anymore."

"That's another lie." Sparky takes a step closer but doesn't yet invade the boy's space. He was talking to Dylan's back but prayed his words would be heard. "So you made some mistakes. So what? We all do."

"Not my kind of mistakes." Dylan shakes his head. "Do you even know what I've done?!"

"I know some but-"

"Do you know how many times I begged for drugs? Do you know what I did to get them? Do you know how many times I gave in to my so-called friends' demands just for one more shot?" Dylan swipes angrily at his eyes. He had not spoken of any of this since he'd admitted his past to Rosetta and Mick. But it had just been raw facts, that was all. Today... this was release. "Do you know how many girls I slept with? Do you know what they made me do in front of others just to taunt me and make fun of me before finally giving me more drugs? Do you know how many mornings I woke up without even knowing where I'd been the night before?!"

Sparky's heart ached more with each of Dylan's angry words. "No... no, I don't know. But I don't need to. Because nothing, nothing, is worth you giving up your life for. You are more than your actions. More than your past. More than your mistakes."

"Then why does my father judge me on them?!" Dylan whirls around, not caring anymore about his uncle seeing his tears. "That's all he remembers! Sure, when Dan brought me home, he was raising heck with my mom and saying all sorts of great things about me. But what about the next time I screw up? What then?" He throws up his hands. "Is he just gonna bring up my mistakes again? My bad reputation in front of my friends again? Is he just gonna use my past against me like he always does? He doesn't trust me now and he never will. So you tell me how I'm more than my mistakes."

Staring into Dylan's glare, Sparky doesn't back down. Taking another step forward, he sets his hands firmly on Dylan's shoulders. "Your father is not exempt from mistakes either." He searches Dylan's eyes for any sign of hope. "As much as you deserve forgiveness, so does he. Maybe he hasn't been the best of fathers. Maybe he doesn't even know how. But the bottom line is that he loves you. And if you think otherwise, then that's just one more lie you've chosen to believe."

Dylan tries to control his tears, finding it hard to speak. He wanted to believe his uncle. He wanted to so badly. But how could he? "When I left..." He chokes and pauses before finding his voice again. "...All I could think about was when I was a little kid. I still see him driving away and Mom holding me back from running out the door. It's one of the earliest memories I've got. And when he accused me of hurting Ashlee, all I could think about was him walking away from me again."

Drawing in a ragged breath, he shakes his head. "I knew I could find my buddies, and I did. And I knew what they'd have for me. And I hated every moment of it. I despised myself every time I stared at the needle or was enticed by one of the girls. Every moment, I loathed myself more. And I figured..." Another tear cascades down his cheek and his voice cracks. "I figured if I hated myself that much, that Dad must hate me ten times more than that. There was no point in trying to get away or to do something else. When I was left alone, there was a gun. I was scared and so I texted Dan and he talked me out of doing anything... But I wish he hadn't. I wish-"

"No!" Sparky gives his shoulders a jolt. "No you don't!" His own gaze had become a glare. "You've felt abandoned, you've made mistakes, and you've felt unloved. I am so sorry that you have gone through any of that, let alone all of it. But Dylan, so help me, if you ever think about something like that again, I'll..." He stops himself before saying anything stupid, and he shakes his head instead. "You come to me first and I'll tell you why your life is worth living."

Dylan sniffs and wipes his eyes. "Last night... when I was in town... I had a lot of fun. I got to know Eric a little better and Stacy too and... and I enjoyed hanging around Ashlee too." He swallows hard. "And when I got home, I started to realize that somewhere along the way, I missed out on being a kid, ya know?"

"I know..." Sparky nods. "I know."

"And then I realized how much innocent fun I'd missed out on... how since that one bad choice, my innocence could never be bought back. My actions were like a stain I couldn't wash off. And last night... I realized how far I was from where I should be... should have been."

Sparky nods again. "And that's okay, Dylan... it really is. I'm so proud of you for seeing that because you know what that means? It means you're ready to move on. You made mistakes, you've admitted them, and now you're going through the awful pain of realizing just what you really did. But once you get through this, that stain won't matter. You are so much more than your actions. And don't forget... you've made bad choices, but that first time... it wasn't you, remember?"

Dylan knew it. He knew he'd been forced into taking drugs and had been manipulated until he was hooked. "I still should have resisted. I should have told somebody."

"Yeah, probably. But you can't blame just yourself for what happened. You never would have gone back to that life recently if you'd never been there in the first place, and you never would have been there in the first place if it hadn't been for the Agency."

"I know... but I still... there were days... I... I did like it."

"And that's the only part you gotta work on." Sparky desperately wanted to help and had no idea if anything he was saying was making any sense. "You're okay, Dylan. You're safe, you're loved... you're going through some growing pains, but we all do at some point or another. Don't let it win... please..."

New tears spring into Dylan's eyes. "It just... it hurts..."

Pulling his nephew in, Sparky wraps his arms around him in a firm hug. "I know it hurts... there's nothing anybody can do about that. But it won't last... I promise... if you keep going and don't give up, it won't last..."

For once, Dylan was too tired to resist the comfort offered. Leaning into his uncle, the sobs that had been held back for so long, finally come spilling out.

Sparky closes his eyes and doesn't let go. The boy's pain was so intense he could almost feel it himself. And he was so thankful that Dylan had survived this long. If only he could hang on a little longer... keep going just a little more... God, please bring healing. Please... please help me help this boy. He needs You and needs to feel love so badly... don't let me fail, please...

  "...Here."

Dylan looks over at Sparky to see a sandwich being offered to him. He shakes his head and leans back against the tree, under which they were sitting. He felt utterly exhausted and just wished they were closer to home so he could sink into bed.

Sparky doesn't give up and nudges him with an elbow. "You need to eat something. Otherwise Faith will think you didn't like her cooking."

"Yeah, right." Dylan knew it was just a ploy, but he gives in anyway and finally accepts the food. After a couple bites, he takes a swig of lemonade from the thermos.

Sparky was glad Dylan was eating something - he needed it. After their time at the fence, they'd come to sit under this tree in the shade and had had a much calmer talk. A few more tears had been shed, but Sparky knew that today marked the day that true healing had begun. Dylan had a very hurt heart - but slowly, slowly the wounds would heal, and today he'd allowed the first steps to take place.

Sighing, Dylan leans his head back against the rough bark and chews his sandwich. "I'm sorry," he mumbles quietly.

"For what?"

"I dunno... everything. Venting on you. Making a fool out of myself."

Sparky pats Dylan's leg. "First off, you don't need to be sorry for venting, and second, you didn't make a fool out of yourself. On the contrary, only a fool looks in a mirror, sees a smudge of dirt, then turns around and walks away. Today you stayed and wiped that smudge off before turning back around."

Dylan thought he understood. And he was grateful. "You're not... gonna like... tell anybody, are you?"

"Hey, what happens out here stays out here. This is between you, me, God, and nobody else unless you're the one that invites them."

"Okay." Dylan glances out the corner of his eye, studying Sparky for a moment or two. "Thanks."

"Anytime, Dylan... Anytime."

It took a while to finish the work they'd set out to do, but for once, Dylan didn't mind. His body and mind were so tired, but he kept working the best he could. After all he'd just been through, he felt utterly drained. And yet... at the same time... he felt a little lighter. As if some of his burden had finally been lifted. He knew it wasn't over yet. He knew that he couldn't heal overnight. But maybe today was the first time he wanted to heal. Part of him felt embarrassed for opening up like he had... and part of him was glad. He didn't know what tomorrow would look like, but at least for today he felt like he'd finally taken a small step forward. And that was enough to give him courage to keep going...

...Pulling in on the four-wheeler near the barn, Dylan slides off from behind Sparky, ready to call it quits for the day. If he could get his mind to concentrate, he really did need to accomplish some school today. As far as any socializing went... he'd rather hibernate. Starting to walk away, Sparky stops him.

"Hey?"

Dylan turns. "Yeah?"

"Would you like to come over and eat dinner with Faith and me tonight?" Sparky shrugs. "I'm kinda not wanting the crowd tonight and I'm sure Faith wouldn't mind."

Dylan's eyebrows rise. He was being invited over? He didn't even know Faith all that well. Did he really want to be around anybody at all? A quiet supper was... kind of appealing. He finds himself nodding. "Okay. Just let me know what time or whatever."

"You got it." Sparky gives him a wave before steering the four-wheeler towards the garage. "See you later then."

Dylan rolls his leather gloves in his hands and wanders towards his bunkhouse. Once there, he retrieves a couple school books and goes to sit on his little porch, trying his best to get his mind on world history and math.

...Sparky brushes some dirt off his jeans before stepping up onto the porch and letting himself into the house. Spying Faith in the kitchen, he grins and comes up behind her, knowing she'd heard him. Slipping his arms around her waist, he leans his chin over her shoulder and gives her cheek a kiss. "Hello, my love." He gives her a loving squeeze. "Miss me?"

Justin smiles a little to himself, glad Beth was wiling to ride with him. There had been a time she wouldn't have. "Great..." He wraps up the subs and puts them in the cooler too. "I guess we're ready to go then!" 

It didn't take too long to get everything in the pickup, dogs and all, and head to the pond. It was a nice day to roll down the windows and just enjoy the fresh outdoor air. 

...Relaxed and sitting in the grass, Justin slowly reels and casts again, fingering the line and keeping his eyes squinting on the sparkling water. The dogs tramp around in the taller grass, flushing out rabbits, chasing each other, or taking turns going to Beth for attention. 

Justin looks over at Beth and grins. Though not letting things bother him today... he did want to ask. "So... how was your day hanging out with... Zach? That's his name right?" 

"Mm... the knee's doing alright." Jason shrugs. "Still some bad days but overall it's doing alright. I try to ignore it when it hurts. Rick's still breathing down my neck about taking it easy though so he still hasn't released me to work on hard cases for Reese yet." He rolls his eyes. 

It was strange, explaining to Katie all this. There had been a time when she would have already known how his knee was doing. She would have felt some of the pain herself and known.  

Fiddling with his soda pop glass, Jason clears his throat. Another awkward pause. Why?? He hated it. Finally looking up at Katie again, he sighs. The words had been on the tip of his tongue for longer than he'd care to admit. Maybe it was finally time to let them out. 

"Are we okay?" 

Cindy smiles and cocks her head. "Each day I stay away, it makes it a little harder to go back. I know I have to before I'd rather leave it all behind." 

A new look of pleasure enters her eyes at Trey's suggestion of him visiting. "I would love for you to come sometime. I really would. You're... welcome any time." 

"Yes!" Kalyee yells and throws up her hands. "Food! Hungry!" She hadn't noticed the shadow of someone behind her and when a face comes down over her shoulder she jumps, her eyes going wide before she falls into a fit of giggles. 

Carson grins and tugs her pigtails teasingly. "I think somebody needs food before they turn into a mini hulk." 

Cindy laughs. "You're probably right. We better order something." 

Straightening, Carson folds his arms, not needing a pen and paper. "What'll it be?"

"Pizza, of course. What else?" 

He grins again. "Right." 

Cindy nods at Trey. "What kind do you like?"