Weary

Garret looked away again as Nate’s words came on a little more boldly. He really wasn’t seriously considering ending his life, but maybe Nate was helping to at least steer him more in the opposite direction. More steps though? He just wasn’t so sure. He’d started out with determination to just be patient…but after everything that had happened since, it felt like his patience was completely drained, along with his motivation. 

Seeing Nate’s hand out of the corner of his eye, he ignored it at first. He’d rather stay here and sulk than get up. But he hadn’t had anything to eat all day, and he knew that was probably just adding to his exhaustion. Not to mention, he figured Nate wouldn’t easily take no for an answer at this point and he was tired of arguing. He disregarded the offer for help, and got up on his own, inwardly cringing at how much his feet hurt. 

“There’s nothing more to talk about,” he mumbled as he picked up his shoes and socks. But he wouldn’t put them back on, knowing it would be too painful. Instead, he tossed them in his cell before following Nate upstairs, remaining barefoot. He forced himself to eat half a sandwich in the break room and drank some more water, but that was it, and he refused to talk any further to Nate about anything of importance. His wall had cracked beyond his comfort zone tonight, and he was done being vulnerable.   

The following day, he remained in his cell, not even working out at all, which was contrary to his normal pattern. Truth be told, his hands and feet hurt too badly to do much at all, but he also had lost his will to fight, at least for the moment. He spent that night wandering the halls when no one else was around – not getting into anything, but just feeling the building and trying to figure out more about the people here by observing the odds and ends in their offices or on their desks, or the pictures that hung on their cubicle walls. Friends, family, smiles. There was a strange peace here. The people were strange. Their lives were strange. He found Nate’s cubicle and took note of several framed photos of Laura, and one of their little family of three. Were they what gave Nate hope? Gave him reason to get up every morning? Garret wondered. 

It wasn’t until the day after that, when Garret finally emerged again during the day. It was mid-morning, and he once again stood in Reese’s office. 

Reese immediately took note of Garret’s battered knuckles, and his eyebrows rose. “Good morning, Garret. Something I can help you with?” 

Garret shrugged. “Just wondered if you’d made a decision about Aaron.”

“Aaron again.” Reese sighed. “No, I haven’t. And it may take me a while. At the moment, Rick’s having a hard enough time just keeping him still so he doesn’t rip out his stitches, let alone try to strangle anyone.”

“Yeah, he can be…stubborn.”

“Seems to be a pattern with you guys.”

Garret smirked a little. “Look…” He replayed in his head the conversation he’d had with Justin a couple days ago. “Friends aren’t really something that exists within the Agency ranks. But…Aaron came close. That’s the only real reason I want you to give him a chance here. I know he doesn’t want to be here, but considering the alternative…I think he’ll come around eventually. I just want to make sure he gets a fair chance. That’s all.” 

Reese leaned back in his chair and cocked his head. This calm, respective approach was new, and much more appealing. “What happened to your hands?” 

The chance in subject took Garret by surprised, and he flexed his still-sore hands. At least they looked better than a couple nights ago. “Um…just got frustrated. But only with the punching bag,” he assured.

“Uh-huh.” Reese decided to accept the simple answer – if anything major had happened, he would have heard about it from Nate. “Well, I’m going to keep Aaron here for as long as I can, and I’ll give him as fair a chance as I can. No promises, but if I can see any potential for rehabilitation, I’ll give it my best shot. That’s all I can offer.” 

Garret blinked, not having expected quite that kind of response. “Okay…” The following awkward silence was enough to make him turn and leave, letting the conversation end there. He made his way slowly across the main floor, trying to ignore the now-familiar leery glances from the Elite staff. Would it always be this way?

Getting to Nate’s space, he leaned his arms on top of the cubicle wall, and looked down at Nate. “Please tell me there’s something I can do today.” He wanted so badly to be distracted from his own thoughts. He’d had only a few hours sleep during the last two nights combined, and it showed on his weary face and dim eyes. Every time he closed his eyes, he met another nightmare, while staying awake only provided too much time to think. He was going mad, and just wanted something, anything to do, if only for a short time.


Justin sat across from Ryan at the picnic table in the park, having chosen this spot just as something different. He’d waited a few days to see her again, giving her space and time. He hadn’t heard from Eli, which was a good thing, but still knew this was only the start of a long road. He was curious to see today how Ryan was doing, and whether or not anything had changed.

“So…” He offered Ryan a gentle smile. “How ya doing?”

Eat

   "Well than, I guess its time you get your butt in gear and start figuring out, and making who you are. Killing yourself is no answer its only the cowards way out. You need to stay up, and become who YOU want to be. Not what everyone else tells you. You have already taken a few steps, now its time to take some more."

Taking another drink from his water bottle Nate looks around the room for a moment. Garret was so different from everyone else who had come here. Garret did have a lot to offer the world and Nate hoped that he would see that one day.

   "This place...it wont be forever. This is temporary, and probley one of the best places for you right now. But I can promise you it wont be like this always."

Standing Nate gives a stretch before looking down at Garret and offering his hand to help him up. As much as he wanted to sit there all night they couldn't. He needed to pick himself back up and keep moving on because thats how the wold worked, and if he didn't than there was no hope.

   "Come on, lets get something to eat and we can talk more."

Smiling back at Eric as Stacy puts the baby down she couldn't hide the joy she really felt. She'd always thought it was a joy to be a parent and now she could share that with someone else she cared a great deal for.

Being pulled into Eric's arms Stacy couldn't help the satisfaction that over whelmed her. Giving a small nod into his chest she new it would take some getting use to and she was prepaired.

   "Of course I will be, and I'll try and help as much as I can."

Who I am

Garret just sat, motionless and silent as Nate talked. What he said made a little sense to him...and some of it didn't. Even Nate's reason for coming here in the first place - that he cared - was a foreign concept to him. He understood...he just couldn't quite relate. And maybe he really didn't believe him.

"Hope, huh?" He scoffed. "Hope for what? A realistic future? Actual freedom? A family?" He shook his head. "I don't even know what a family is supposed to look like, let alone any kind of future with Victoria." He finally realized he needed to tend to his wounds, and reached for some antiseptic. Applying it to his knuckles first, he gritted his teeth against the pain. "I was stupid to think I could fabricate something real out of the nightmare I've been living in. Victoria was smart to stay with the Agency. I shoulda just transferred to another location so I wouldn't have to see her all the time. Then none of this would have happened." 

As he wiped away the blood on his hands though, he refused to meet Nate's eyes, protecting himself from exposing too much of what he was feeling. There was hope. But it was so far down, buried under so much, that he wasn't sure he even wanted to bring it to the surface again. Hope only brought disappointment. Hope only brought more pain. 

A scoff surfaced. "Now I know why Carson tried to kill himself. I thought I was trading one world for the other, but I just willingly walked into limbo with absolutely no solid ground to stand on." Moving to the tops of his feet, a growl slipped out as the antiseptic hit. "And for what? Staying a robot soldier would have been better than not knowing my place at all." It was only his depression talking. Deep down, he still felt the same way he had months ago - desperate to get out from under Medridge and the senselessness of it all. But tonight, right here...this...this is what felt senseless. How could a step in the right direction feel so messed up?

With any excess blood cleaned up now, he leaned his head back against the wall and stared at the bloody punching bag. A new flashback entered his mind - one that took him to years ago when he'd been held responsible for someone else fouling up a mission. Instead of someone beating him up, he'd been forced to face a cedar post and hit it with his bare knuckles until his hands looked like raw meat. After that, he'd shot the man who's fault it had been.  

It was a few minutes until he finally spoke again. His tone was quieter now as exhaustion took over. "When I was ten, I tried to drown myself. I wish I would have succeeded," he concluded. "You say I should now prove everyone wrong...that I'm me. But..." He turned his head and finally looked Nate in the eye. "I haven't had an identity since I was five years old." He still refused to say how he'd ended up in the arms of the Agency at that age, but the pain was evident. "I don't even know who I really am."


Watching Stacy with the other baby made Eric's heart grow even warmer. He had thought of the future with her - of course. But he'd been taking things one day at a time, working at figuring out his own stability, how far his relationship with Stacy really went, and even how Ashlee fit into it all. Of course he'd thought about being a real family - the three of them. Finding out about the twins had thrown everything off kilter. But watching Stacy now...he knew that if there really was a future for them...they'd be a family of five, and she wouldn't leave him just because of the extra mouths to feed and the extra work that would now be involved. She wasn't just a security guard. She wasn't just his girlfriend. She was a woman. A mother. And she was a godsend. 

Eric's eyes widened at her comment. "I hadn't even thought about names." Come to think of it, no one had ever said anything about names, he'd just assumed. But apparently Dana hadn't even done that much. He blinked. Most people had months to decide on names. "Guess I better do some thinking, huh?" 

He looked down at the bundle in his arms and at her shining eyes. Would it be possible to preserve that innocence in such a messed-up, corrupt world? All he could do was try. Nothing in this family had ever been easy. 

Setting her back down gently in her crib, she seemed satisfied enough for now to drift off to sleep again. Once Stacy was free again as well, Eric just turned to her and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug for several long moments. "Thank you," he whispered. He knew he kept saying it, but it was still true. "Troy comes back tomorrow...and there are so many things I have to figure out now. Just...be patient with me, okay? I'm not gonna be able to think through everything on my own."