Looking up from her desk and seeing Justin Hope gives a small little smile. She'd remembered him from at the hospitable before but now he was here and she wondered why.
"Hi Justin its good to see you again."
Standing and holding her hand out to Justin to give him a handshake Hope motions to one of the chairs to let him know he was more than welcome to sit and get comfortable. Even if he wasn't here for a counseling she still wanted him to be comfortable.
"What can I do for you?"
Cocking her head a little bit as Justin starts to talk Hope's smile seemed to change a little. She was happy Scott was doing well but it still made her sad at the thought that she was no longer his. She missed him, and missed being able to know when Scott got out, they were still together. But Hope did her best not to seem upset and to listen to Justin. It was nice knowing Scott was ok.
"It's good to hear Scott is progressing Justin. I had hoped he would, and would be able to leave Brookshire soon. We even hope that in due time he will return here to work. Everyone miss him yet we know..that is his choose and no matter what we would stand behind him."
Giving a sigh and leaning back in her chair Hope thinks for a long moment about what Justin said about the fire in his eye and how he hoped it would return one day. She could only hope the same. She like it to be because of her but she new that is was Scott's choose now...and she would be waiting.
"I can only hope that Scott will let the fire return to him. After his letter...I know I can't push for it. It needs to be on his term but when and if he does I will be waiting. After being with Scott and knowing the feelings I have for him I can't see myself with anyone else."
Leaning back in her chair a little bit and looking back at Justin Hope's eyes roam his face. She new Scott would no longer be the same, but he would still be her Scotty even if they had to get to know each other all over again. After her own near death experience she felt as thought she was different not too. Maybe all in all...this was a good thing and God's way of bring them back together before they were torn apart.
"Thank you again Justin I do appreciate you keeping me informed and as much as I know what I want, I hope it works out how God has intended it."
Looking up as Eric enters her office Angel gives a smile. She had a hunch that Eric might come to see her. Rosetta had filled her in that Eric had hurt his leg and might need a visit if he didn't come to see her. Seeing he came on his own though so so much easier than having to go track him down and than dealing with what might happen from Rosetta telling her.
"Hey Eric, its nice to see you like always and its definitely not to early. Not around here anyways."
Standing and going over to Eric she lays a hand on his arm before going to the table and patting it for him to sit down. She wanted to take a look at his leg before giving him anything.
"Hope up here. I want to take a look at you leg before I give you anything. I want to make sure you didn't damage it any worse before I dull the pain on you."
One he was up on the table Angel set to work trying to make it quick for Eric as she examined it. Poking, pushing and prodding it she new it couldn't feel good, but she had to do it to check and make sure what was damaged, torn, or just swollen.
Once finished Angel gives a nod to Eric before going back to the counter and prepping a syringe. Eric would be ok, that was a good thing. He's just be sore for a little while.
"Eric...your going to make it. You just twisted and bruised it pretty good again. I'm going to give you a cortisone shot to try and get rid of some of the swelling. I want you to take it easy and not move to much, ice it, and take some hot bath's to keep the muscle relaxed. Also going to give you some pain killers too but not to many. In a few days I want you to come back and see me again...ok?"
3/18/11
Guilt
Tal wasn't expecting Ryan to pull him back down, but he lets her and a smile spreads on his lips. Her sleepy words made him feel good. He was doing what he set out to do and succeeding at helping her feel better. And lunch... would be a bonus.
He chuckles and pulls the blanket up a little further for her. "Lunch it is." Knowing that Ryan was almost in a world of dreams again, he backs away slowly, then leaves her room, shutting the door quietly behind him.
Having Rosetta come up behind him in the kitchen, Mick smiles. Turning around and sliding his arms over her shoulders, he rocks side to side. "Mmm... probably. But I have a bad memory, so I like hearing it again." Leaning in, he gives her lips a soft kiss.
The microwave beeps and he glances over his shoulder. "That would be the hot water, ready for a tea bag of your choice. I thought we'd keep the couch company for a while." What he really wanted was to just sit up and talk about their day... about Stacy... about Dylan... and he wanted to know what she learned about Eric too.
So talk they did... quietly and comfortably on the couch. It was their time together to wind down and they talked about everything from Dylan to a horse being trained, to fixing fences, to Eric. And when they did get to Eric, Mick wasn't surprised to hear what Dana had done, but it did make him sad to know that Eric had to go through that. While part of him knew Eric had been unwise to begin with, he wouldn't wish that kind of punishment on anyone, so he did feel compassion. And part of him... was glad Dana was gone. Eric would survive and he'd be better off without someone like that.
By the time Mick and Rosetta headed to bed, it was late, but peaceful. The night hours of rest were welcomed.
As the sun sets, so too must it rise. As life turns and twists and brings both good and bad, so too must it continue.
Eric slowly limps towards Angel's office. It was early enough that breakfast hadn't yet been served, but late enough that chores were being done, providing a clear shot to Angel's without having to see anyone else yet. Eric's leg hurt... a lot. It seemed to have gotten even more stiff overnight, and he regretted not taking the hot bath he'd been tempted with before bed the night before. It hurt from above his knee to his hip... right where he injured it before, so he knew he must have just bashed it really good when he'd fallen. He'd probably bruised it pretty good since it was a weak spot now anyway. Angel could probably just give him some pain killers and something for the inflammation and he'd be good to go again.
Knocking on the office door, he waits, then slips inside. He knew she was an early riser so it was a pretty safe bet she'd be in. And she was.
Giving Angel a crooked little smile and a brief wave, he greets her. As silly as it was, he hoped she wouldn't notice he'd been gone for so long and was now back. "Hi, Angel." He clears his throat. "Sorry to barge in on ya this early, but, um, I was just wonderin' if you had any pain killers or something. I sorta bumped this leg of mine and it isn't too happy with me right now."
"Oh come on." Alec sits in the corner of his cot with his knees up to his chest. He rolls his eyes as he sees Justin enter the little room. "I thought I'd finally gotten rid of you."
Justin grins and leans back against the table, half-sitting on the edge. "Takes a whole lot more than your bad attitude to keep me away." Since Alec's confession that he'd thought of Ryan when gone, sessions hadn't been going well. Justin holds out a styrofoam cup. "Lemonade?"
Alec's mouth waters. He'd been dying for some lemons. Giving in, he stands up and accepts the drink without a thanks. The sour flavor makes his eyes squint just a little, but it was the best thing he'd tasted since being brought back here. "How'd you know?"
Justin shrugs. "Someone told me about the Agency drug and how it dulls the tastebuds. Thought by now you could use a little something that you could taste."
"Yeah." Alec sits back down on his cot. "So what are you gonna dig for today?"
"Oh, I don't know. How about we get right down to the guilt?"
"Ha! What guilt? You know dang well that I turned myself over to the Agency - the only thing I could be guilty about now is letting you people keep me alive just to hold me prisoner."
"You admitted guilt about Yvette."
"That was then. This is now."
Had they actually taken a step backward? Justin sighs. "How about I tell you my theory and we'll go from there?"
Alec shrugs. "Go for it. Not like I gotta be anywhere."
Justin starts to pace slowly, opting to stay on his feet, rather than sit - Alec was still unstable and if Justin said anything he didn't like, he preferred to not be sitting down. "Alright. First off, I think the intentions you started out with are true and are the real you. You entered back into the Agency and did things that you despised, for the sake of others. Whether or not there were better options, you did what you thought was best. Wrong or right - indifferent - your intentions were to keep people safe. But then something changed. You surrendered. No matter if you were pushed towards it or not, in the end, it was your own choice. You surrendered to the Agency, body and soul. But that's not yet when your guilt began."
He walks a little more, mulling things over. Sometimes it was better to let the client say things on their own... but in this case, he wanted to see more reactions than hear a story he already knew. Alec was stubborn and he probably wouldn't admit things on his own. But if he heard it and could digest it, it might do some good. So he continues.
"No, your guilt began when you started to enjoy bits and pieces of what was happening. Maybe you despised being manipulated by the Underground and the Agency... but you still had a fresh feeling of freedom didn't you? Maybe your heart despised what you were doing with Yvette... but did your body? Maybe you knew getting back on the drug was stupid... but getting that rush of feeling as though you could conquer the world felt good, didn't it?"
Alec swallows hard and finds himself unwilling to look Justin in the eye anymore. This was stupid. This whole thing was just plain stupid. The feelings that were stirring inside of him right now... they shouldn't exist at all. "Enough," he states tersely.
But Justin wasn't finished. "That's when you realized that what had started out as trying to save lives had turned into something you wanted... something you enjoyed. You were partaking of the forbidden fruit and there was a part of you that liked it - you liked it enough that you actually wanted to stay with the Agency. Not because the Underground wanted you to, but because it felt good and you were tired of being under the Elite's thumb."
"Stop it!" Alec glares up at him. "Just shut up already. You don't know what you're talking about so just... just go away."
Justin shakes his head slowly. "And that's why you stepped in front of a bullet. Because you knew it wasn't right for you to be enjoying where you were. Killing people... you knew it was wrong, but it was a thrill. Being with Yvette... you knew it was wrong, but it felt good. Everything gave you an adrenaline rush and a wave of guilt at the same time and you just didn't want to deal with it anymore - so you figured you'd just take the easy way out and let someone else kill you and be done with it."
"I said stop it!" Alec stands swiftly and slams Justin back against the wall, pinning him with his forearm. Glaring, he just stares him in the eye for several tense moments. "You have no idea what I went through," he hisses. His shoulder and chest scream at him to relax, but he ignores the pain. "Just because you think you're some high and mighty shrink doesn't give you the right to come in here and spew what you think is my life's story."
Justin remains calm and doesn't fight back. "The truth can hurt, Alec. But make no mistake - it's still the truth, and the truth is the only thing that's gonna save you from the miserable pit you've got yourself in."
Slowly, slowly, Alec releases Justin, though his glare remains. "And what gives you the right to say you know what the truth is?"
"If I'm wrong, tell me. If you have a different story, please share. If what I've said is not the truth, then tell me what the truth is."
But Alec couldn't. He couldn't deny the things Justin had said, because... they really were true. He'd fought it, he'd hid it, he'd tried to ignore it. But somehow Justin had figured it all out and Alec simply couldn't deny it.
"Alec!" Hal bursts through the door, having seen the little scuffle on the security camera. "Back off."
More from fear of being put back in handcuffs than willingness to obey, Alec takes a step or two backward, giving Justin a clear route to the door.
Justin waves off Hal. "It's okay. We were just having a little chat. And I was just leaving." He throws Alec a parting glance. "I'll see you soon." Exiting the small room, he takes a deep breath, but doesn't take time to stop and regroup. He'd have to do that later. Heading upstairs and down the hall, he starts to pass by one of the offices, but then stops. He'd had this on his mind for a while now, and though he hadn't acted on it, it still bugged him. Maybe he shouldn't but... if it helped at all...
"Hey, Hope?" Justin knocks lightly on the open door, not stepping into her office until invited. He studies her for a moment and offers a warm smile. He might not talk to her much when he came to work with Alec, but he observed a lot, and even if he never said so, he felt a twinge of compassion every time he saw her. Though she wore a smile and was working the best she could, there was a sadness in her eye that Justin could see and he knew why it was there.
He clears his throat and hooks his hands in his jeans pockets. "I, um... I'm sure I'm breaking some kind of rules or something, but as you probably know about me, that hasn't stopped me in the past." His mouth forms a new wry grin. "Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let you know that Scott's doing alright. I... kinda imagined you didn't get news from anyone else and I suppose if I were in your position, I'd be feeling a bit left out of the loop."
He nods a little, shifting is weight from one foot to the other. "He's taken some very good steps forward with learning to control the Agency data. Still having nightmares, but otherwise, he's starting to be able to deflect the intel pretty regularly now when it's thrown at him. Physically he's... doing okay. It doesn't look like his eating disorder is going to go away - one of the doctors said it has to do more with how his brain is processing the need for food. He just doesn't ever feel hungry, and he still has a hard time keeping things down when he does eat. They're experimenting with some different diet options for him to see if anything will help." Justin pauses and nods again with reassurance. "The good news is that he hasn't been resisting the help."
Biting his lip, he's unsure if he should say any more or not, but something prompts him to keep going. "The... the only thing that still worries me is when I look in his eye and I see no life." His gaze roams Hope's face. "He wants to get out of Brookshire so he's finally fighting to make it happen but... there's just something missing... like a fire has somehow died out. And I just hope that one day... that fire will be rekindled."
His eyes stop directly on Hope's. He knew she would know he was talking about her relationship - or lack thereof - with Scott. "And I believe that fire has a good chance to return... but it's just gonna take a lot of time and a whole lot of patience." He didn't know if Hope would want that again... he didn't know if she'd want to put herself through trying to regain a relationship with Scott - a man that was no longer the same as he had been. Justin didn't know. But he felt he was right in telling her that he felt there was a chance, should she want it. Scott never spoke of her, but that didn't mean Justin didn't see the longing down deep.
He chuckles and pulls the blanket up a little further for her. "Lunch it is." Knowing that Ryan was almost in a world of dreams again, he backs away slowly, then leaves her room, shutting the door quietly behind him.
Having Rosetta come up behind him in the kitchen, Mick smiles. Turning around and sliding his arms over her shoulders, he rocks side to side. "Mmm... probably. But I have a bad memory, so I like hearing it again." Leaning in, he gives her lips a soft kiss.
The microwave beeps and he glances over his shoulder. "That would be the hot water, ready for a tea bag of your choice. I thought we'd keep the couch company for a while." What he really wanted was to just sit up and talk about their day... about Stacy... about Dylan... and he wanted to know what she learned about Eric too.
So talk they did... quietly and comfortably on the couch. It was their time together to wind down and they talked about everything from Dylan to a horse being trained, to fixing fences, to Eric. And when they did get to Eric, Mick wasn't surprised to hear what Dana had done, but it did make him sad to know that Eric had to go through that. While part of him knew Eric had been unwise to begin with, he wouldn't wish that kind of punishment on anyone, so he did feel compassion. And part of him... was glad Dana was gone. Eric would survive and he'd be better off without someone like that.
By the time Mick and Rosetta headed to bed, it was late, but peaceful. The night hours of rest were welcomed.
As the sun sets, so too must it rise. As life turns and twists and brings both good and bad, so too must it continue.
Eric slowly limps towards Angel's office. It was early enough that breakfast hadn't yet been served, but late enough that chores were being done, providing a clear shot to Angel's without having to see anyone else yet. Eric's leg hurt... a lot. It seemed to have gotten even more stiff overnight, and he regretted not taking the hot bath he'd been tempted with before bed the night before. It hurt from above his knee to his hip... right where he injured it before, so he knew he must have just bashed it really good when he'd fallen. He'd probably bruised it pretty good since it was a weak spot now anyway. Angel could probably just give him some pain killers and something for the inflammation and he'd be good to go again.
Knocking on the office door, he waits, then slips inside. He knew she was an early riser so it was a pretty safe bet she'd be in. And she was.
Giving Angel a crooked little smile and a brief wave, he greets her. As silly as it was, he hoped she wouldn't notice he'd been gone for so long and was now back. "Hi, Angel." He clears his throat. "Sorry to barge in on ya this early, but, um, I was just wonderin' if you had any pain killers or something. I sorta bumped this leg of mine and it isn't too happy with me right now."
"Oh come on." Alec sits in the corner of his cot with his knees up to his chest. He rolls his eyes as he sees Justin enter the little room. "I thought I'd finally gotten rid of you."
Justin grins and leans back against the table, half-sitting on the edge. "Takes a whole lot more than your bad attitude to keep me away." Since Alec's confession that he'd thought of Ryan when gone, sessions hadn't been going well. Justin holds out a styrofoam cup. "Lemonade?"
Alec's mouth waters. He'd been dying for some lemons. Giving in, he stands up and accepts the drink without a thanks. The sour flavor makes his eyes squint just a little, but it was the best thing he'd tasted since being brought back here. "How'd you know?"
Justin shrugs. "Someone told me about the Agency drug and how it dulls the tastebuds. Thought by now you could use a little something that you could taste."
"Yeah." Alec sits back down on his cot. "So what are you gonna dig for today?"
"Oh, I don't know. How about we get right down to the guilt?"
"Ha! What guilt? You know dang well that I turned myself over to the Agency - the only thing I could be guilty about now is letting you people keep me alive just to hold me prisoner."
"You admitted guilt about Yvette."
"That was then. This is now."
Had they actually taken a step backward? Justin sighs. "How about I tell you my theory and we'll go from there?"
Alec shrugs. "Go for it. Not like I gotta be anywhere."
Justin starts to pace slowly, opting to stay on his feet, rather than sit - Alec was still unstable and if Justin said anything he didn't like, he preferred to not be sitting down. "Alright. First off, I think the intentions you started out with are true and are the real you. You entered back into the Agency and did things that you despised, for the sake of others. Whether or not there were better options, you did what you thought was best. Wrong or right - indifferent - your intentions were to keep people safe. But then something changed. You surrendered. No matter if you were pushed towards it or not, in the end, it was your own choice. You surrendered to the Agency, body and soul. But that's not yet when your guilt began."
He walks a little more, mulling things over. Sometimes it was better to let the client say things on their own... but in this case, he wanted to see more reactions than hear a story he already knew. Alec was stubborn and he probably wouldn't admit things on his own. But if he heard it and could digest it, it might do some good. So he continues.
"No, your guilt began when you started to enjoy bits and pieces of what was happening. Maybe you despised being manipulated by the Underground and the Agency... but you still had a fresh feeling of freedom didn't you? Maybe your heart despised what you were doing with Yvette... but did your body? Maybe you knew getting back on the drug was stupid... but getting that rush of feeling as though you could conquer the world felt good, didn't it?"
Alec swallows hard and finds himself unwilling to look Justin in the eye anymore. This was stupid. This whole thing was just plain stupid. The feelings that were stirring inside of him right now... they shouldn't exist at all. "Enough," he states tersely.
But Justin wasn't finished. "That's when you realized that what had started out as trying to save lives had turned into something you wanted... something you enjoyed. You were partaking of the forbidden fruit and there was a part of you that liked it - you liked it enough that you actually wanted to stay with the Agency. Not because the Underground wanted you to, but because it felt good and you were tired of being under the Elite's thumb."
"Stop it!" Alec glares up at him. "Just shut up already. You don't know what you're talking about so just... just go away."
Justin shakes his head slowly. "And that's why you stepped in front of a bullet. Because you knew it wasn't right for you to be enjoying where you were. Killing people... you knew it was wrong, but it was a thrill. Being with Yvette... you knew it was wrong, but it felt good. Everything gave you an adrenaline rush and a wave of guilt at the same time and you just didn't want to deal with it anymore - so you figured you'd just take the easy way out and let someone else kill you and be done with it."
"I said stop it!" Alec stands swiftly and slams Justin back against the wall, pinning him with his forearm. Glaring, he just stares him in the eye for several tense moments. "You have no idea what I went through," he hisses. His shoulder and chest scream at him to relax, but he ignores the pain. "Just because you think you're some high and mighty shrink doesn't give you the right to come in here and spew what you think is my life's story."
Justin remains calm and doesn't fight back. "The truth can hurt, Alec. But make no mistake - it's still the truth, and the truth is the only thing that's gonna save you from the miserable pit you've got yourself in."
Slowly, slowly, Alec releases Justin, though his glare remains. "And what gives you the right to say you know what the truth is?"
"If I'm wrong, tell me. If you have a different story, please share. If what I've said is not the truth, then tell me what the truth is."
But Alec couldn't. He couldn't deny the things Justin had said, because... they really were true. He'd fought it, he'd hid it, he'd tried to ignore it. But somehow Justin had figured it all out and Alec simply couldn't deny it.
"Alec!" Hal bursts through the door, having seen the little scuffle on the security camera. "Back off."
More from fear of being put back in handcuffs than willingness to obey, Alec takes a step or two backward, giving Justin a clear route to the door.
Justin waves off Hal. "It's okay. We were just having a little chat. And I was just leaving." He throws Alec a parting glance. "I'll see you soon." Exiting the small room, he takes a deep breath, but doesn't take time to stop and regroup. He'd have to do that later. Heading upstairs and down the hall, he starts to pass by one of the offices, but then stops. He'd had this on his mind for a while now, and though he hadn't acted on it, it still bugged him. Maybe he shouldn't but... if it helped at all...
"Hey, Hope?" Justin knocks lightly on the open door, not stepping into her office until invited. He studies her for a moment and offers a warm smile. He might not talk to her much when he came to work with Alec, but he observed a lot, and even if he never said so, he felt a twinge of compassion every time he saw her. Though she wore a smile and was working the best she could, there was a sadness in her eye that Justin could see and he knew why it was there.
He clears his throat and hooks his hands in his jeans pockets. "I, um... I'm sure I'm breaking some kind of rules or something, but as you probably know about me, that hasn't stopped me in the past." His mouth forms a new wry grin. "Anyway, I guess I just wanted to let you know that Scott's doing alright. I... kinda imagined you didn't get news from anyone else and I suppose if I were in your position, I'd be feeling a bit left out of the loop."
He nods a little, shifting is weight from one foot to the other. "He's taken some very good steps forward with learning to control the Agency data. Still having nightmares, but otherwise, he's starting to be able to deflect the intel pretty regularly now when it's thrown at him. Physically he's... doing okay. It doesn't look like his eating disorder is going to go away - one of the doctors said it has to do more with how his brain is processing the need for food. He just doesn't ever feel hungry, and he still has a hard time keeping things down when he does eat. They're experimenting with some different diet options for him to see if anything will help." Justin pauses and nods again with reassurance. "The good news is that he hasn't been resisting the help."
Biting his lip, he's unsure if he should say any more or not, but something prompts him to keep going. "The... the only thing that still worries me is when I look in his eye and I see no life." His gaze roams Hope's face. "He wants to get out of Brookshire so he's finally fighting to make it happen but... there's just something missing... like a fire has somehow died out. And I just hope that one day... that fire will be rekindled."
His eyes stop directly on Hope's. He knew she would know he was talking about her relationship - or lack thereof - with Scott. "And I believe that fire has a good chance to return... but it's just gonna take a lot of time and a whole lot of patience." He didn't know if Hope would want that again... he didn't know if she'd want to put herself through trying to regain a relationship with Scott - a man that was no longer the same as he had been. Justin didn't know. But he felt he was right in telling her that he felt there was a chance, should she want it. Scott never spoke of her, but that didn't mean Justin didn't see the longing down deep.